“That Girl”
February 27, 2009
I don’t typically engage in fem-bashing … I was a sorority girl in college and a cheerleader in high school and my best friends are female. I tend to defend my girls til the end.
But sometimes, we need to call ‘em as we see ‘em and at my workshop this past week in NYC, I met “that girl.”
Allow me to explain …
Halfway through the presentation-skills workshop I attended, we divided up into groups to do on-camera work. I was fortunate to be put in a group with three fantastic people and we totally gelled; midway through my first presentation I was feeling good; confident, even.
We cheered for each other (three women, one man), and rooted each other on as we each presented a challenge and a solution in a two-minute “talking memo” (not as easy as it sounds!) and then watched ourselves on camera.
When it was time to break for lunch, we met up with the other workshop attendees. The other group was watching someone’s presentation still, which apparently was given by this girl — who about my age, about 30 — who gave the presentation “How to lose weight” based on her own experience.
Within two minutes of sitting down to lunch, I learned that:
1) She had been 200 lbs.
2) She doesn’t eat past 6 p.m.
3) She doesn’t eat anything with more than 17 grams of carbs.
4) She doesn’t touch soda or sweets.
5) She exercises every night from 9-11 p.m. and wakes at 5 a.m.
6) And she had a son 11 months ago and is still trying to lose 10 lbs. … and still sees herself as fat.
She looked like a rail, and she ate lettuce leaves for lunch. Literally; that was it.
Now, at first glance, you might not think much of it. Lots of girls diet. But this woman was obsessive about it, clearly making others uncomfortable … and seeming to thrive off their discomfort/envy.
To be polite, since she was clearly starving for attention (trust me, if you saw her behavior you’d know what I mean) and since she was directly across from me, I asked if she had done Weight Watchers to lose weight (since I heard someone refer to it as the “WW presentation”, but she shrugged me off in a haughty tone and said no, she “can’t do Points” or journal.
I mean, no, of course not — she just lives under the most ridiculously rigid rules I’ve ever heard … rules of someone with, dare I say it, likely an eating disorder or, at the very least, disordered eating behaviors. Rules I was toeing the line for not too long ago.
Some of the overweight women seemed interested and asked for her “secrets” (which is how I learned about numbers 2 through 5), but other people (including the guy running the workshop) commented/”joked” that now they felt uncomfortable eating their wrap or enjoying a brownie corner now that they heard her schpeil!
But I also watched the three normal-sized women enjoying their sandwiches, fruit, and cookies and noticed that they — like me — ignored her yap-yap-yapping throughout lunch.
I sooooooooo wanted to say something — to tell her that her rules were ridiculous and that she was probably a boring soul and no fun to be around and that you can lose weight and live life and that yes, I understood how we could “feel heavy” still even when we’re not … but I didn’t.
I bit my tongue, and it was honestly the hardest thing I’ve had to do in a long time. Hard because I am so passionate about my blog, my recovery. Yet I didn’t want to go down that road with her; didn’t want to get into a verbal tussle with her. (She didn’t seem like the kind of girl who would bow down graciously).
Then it got better — she whipped out photos of herself at varying weights and launched into stories, telling us how she started losing weight: her fiance cheated on her and it drove her to lose weight. Now eight years later she’s married with a kid and her ex-fiance “doesn’t recognize her.”
Again, some people seemed interested; others –like myself — put off.
Here is my main problem with this girl: I don’t care what someone else does in his/her own home. But I don’t need to be preached to.
We were eating lunch – a lunch brought in specifically for our workshop with limited choices. When we’re eating, I don’t want to hear her yapping about how many carb grams are in that bread or why she doesn’t eat meat … no one asked. Let us eat in peace, ya know?
I personally didn’t like the options they had, either, but I ate and didn’t comment on it. I “slowed it down.” I was flexible — and that made me proud.
How did I handle the potentially-uncomfortable situation for a food-freak like me? Easily, surprisingly. I just scraped mayo-less (phew, cauz I hate mayo!) tuna off a wrap (I don’t like tortillas, to my husband’s chagrin!) and ate salad and fruit and a bite of brownie and then, starving two hours later, had a Kashi protein/fiber bar. But I ate, and didn’t make a fuss out of it, didn’t talk about it.
This girl, on the other hand, literally didn’t have a filter. Sadly, to some extent, it reminded me so much of myself, not too long ago. I fear I might have been “that girl” and I so do not want to ever be her again!!
I think the thing that bugged me most was that I was so blatantly aware of her desire for attention, that it frankly nauseated me.
Fortunately, the workshop itself was a fantastic experience and we divided up again later in the afternoon with our original teams, so I didn’t have to work with her.
We taped another session, and then I met my parents and sister for dinner at Carmine’s on the Upper West Side, which is my family’s absolute favorite restaurant in NY. Yes, there are millions of great ones, but we love it at Carmine’s!
The unique thing about Carmine’s is it’s family style … which means I had zero control over how the food was prepared. But again, I was calm. Cool. Collected.
I was so happy to see my family so unexpectedly (when I went home three weeks ago I didn’t know I’d be going to this workshop so it was a pleasant treat!!) and I just wanted to enjoy the evening. I was genuinely hungry for dinner, and thrilled to be with them.
When we sat down to dinner, I had two thick slices of perfectly-crusty sourdoughbread dipped in fragrant olive oil; the special salad of the night, tossed with the lovely oil-and-vinegar dressing they make on-site; and teensy portions of oil-drenched penne and broccoli (actually only ate the broccoli) and a little taste of everything from the chicken contadina dish except the sausage — so I had the chicken, peppers, onions and a three or four sliced roasted herbed potatoes. Insanely delicious.
And I put my fork down when I was satisfied, and didn’t comment about why I was done or that I was done at all … (something I might have done, which could have made my family uncomfortable if they were still eating). Some things don’t need to be said aloud, and I’m learning that as I go.
For dessert, we got a Tugboat, which is not on the menu (you need to be in the know 
but it’s a miniature version of their famous Titanic (an appropriately named ginormous sundae that has a flourless torte on the bottom and serves about 8-10; the Tugboat serves 4 comfortably!) and I had the chocolate shell of one of my dad’s cannolis.
I ate like a normal person, not a dieter or even someone concerned with her weight — at least, not outwardly. And even internally, I didn’t feel restrictive.
I savored each bite and enjoyed my meal to the fullest, but most importantly … the company! I didn’t worry about calories and oddly, when I tallied up my day at the end of the day, I’d hit my RMR more or less. It’s like my body … dare I say it, knew?!
(Incidentally, the same thing happened out to dinner for tapas the night before; I ended at about my RMR! Maybe this whole eating intuitively thing has more credibility than I give it?!)
Anyway, I left satisfied, not stuffed. And I woke STARVING at 6 Thursday for my early flight back to Michigan.
All in all, it was a great trip and I think it gave me the confidence to hit up Mexico next week with gusto.
Have a safe, happy and healthy weekend!
Entry Filed under: Exercise Addiction, Weight Loss. Tags: "that girl, annoying dieter, carmine's.
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1.
yogiclarebear | February 27, 2009 at 12:50 am
wow, lol! sounds like God put “that girl” there for you as an obvious reminder not to be “that girl.” and look, you enjoyed your time, your food and meals, and got a fresh perspective and outlook to continue with!
2.
Lara (Thinspired) | February 27, 2009 at 6:58 am
Ok, that is insane. Seriously, it must have taken everything you ahd in you to not say something to that crazy woman! I would have been conflicted too. I never want to come off as self-righeous, either, so I usualy just sit quietly when people start talking about ridiculous dieting tactics. When people go off about no carbs or whatever, I just eat my toast and think “Well, I hope it works for you, but it doesn’t work for me.” The problem, as you point out, is when they get on a soapbox about it.
I think you handled it gracefully. Good job
3.
marafaye | February 27, 2009 at 7:17 am
I’ve been that girl too… but my talk was all about Points and core and blah blah blah… This girl though, I think I would’ve wanted to snap her over my knee and force feed her a cheeseburger!!
4.
Just_Kelly | February 27, 2009 at 8:08 am
Wow. I think you showed much restraint not to say anything snarky. I want to look a the story and see “that girl” with compassion but… I just find it annoying. Kudos to you for making smart choices, not driving others nuts, and enjoying your food and, more importantly, YOUR LIFE!
5.
kilax | February 27, 2009 at 8:22 am
I’ve met people like that too. You feel so embarrassed for them. You feel upset that the other women are eating it up. You feel annoyed. You feel sorry for yourself for having to listen to it.
Once you get to a healthy relationship, you realize how ridiculous it is to be like that women - so obsessed! But she will not be there for a long time. Ugh. I am sorry you had to deal with it.
Good work on being flexible while traveling! It’s so hard, isn’t it?
6.
Holly | February 27, 2009 at 9:12 am
Wow - kudos to you! I think so many of us would have had a VERY difficult time not voicing something aloud to this woman. Not only because she’s obviously in desperate need of help, but because she has such a need for attention (those people TOTALLY bug me!).
I’m a little scared to think how I would have reacted with someone like this…I know it most definitely would have affected my eating. That is SO great that you were able to eat normally and SHOW her that it is possible to eat healthy and ENJOY LIFE.
Enjoy your weekend! I’m glad you were able to spend time with your family - at what sounds like an amazing restaurant, to boot!
7.
nikita | February 27, 2009 at 10:32 am
Wow, i admire your patience for not telling her your way of thinking! lol
Ever since i had anorexia, i really get upset when people talk about health, carbs, calories, etc… I’ve learned through the years to eat healthy, but not obsess over it. I eat cookies, i eat cakes, i eat pizzas… just not every day and in moderation. So it annoys me too when people say that that type of food isn’t good or i shouldn’t eat that, or that you have to go gym everyday. I used to think like that too, and it was making me depressed all the time, because you have no freedom in your life. I just want to shake these people and show them that you can be healthy and eat whatever you want, just be reasonnable about it. And obsessing over food isn’t a good thing at all.
Really, congratulations for not falling under what the girl said and stick to your way of thinking
You’re way more healthy than she is obviously!
8.
Kristen | February 27, 2009 at 10:32 am
It definitely would have been hard keeping my mouth shut. I was talking to my therapist about something similar a few weeks ago. It seems that the healthier we get - physically and mentally - the more we notice how those kinds of behaviors aren’t healthy and the more we want to step in and “show them the way.” I definitely don’t see myself as completely “cured,” far from it actually, but knowing is half the battle. Hopefully that girl at your workshop is just behind in the battle and will eventually make her way towards a healthier life.
9.
lissa10279 | February 27, 2009 at 11:01 am
Thank you ladies so much, glad to hear your input and also to hear I am not crazy for feeling how I felt. It was so hard to bite my tongue!!!
Kristen, this line hit home: “It seems that the healthier we get - physically and mentally - the more we notice how those kinds of behaviors aren’t healthy and the more we want to step in and “show them the way.” AMEN!
10.
auntie | February 27, 2009 at 11:20 am
sounds like you had a great week! that’s so awesome!!
did you read MizFit’s guest post yesterday? since you’re just back in town, you may not have yet, but you definitely should!
hope you have a wonderful weekend
11.
Hopefool | February 27, 2009 at 11:21 am
This made me think a lot about who I was when I lost my weight. I’m not sure if I ever put people off or not but I was certainly obsessed with myself. And it was forever a topic of conversation. I realize after reading this, that I got sick of myself so others must have been pretty sick of it too, right?
Then again, lots of people asked about it all of the time. They seemed so genuinely excited and happy for me.
I don’t know the answer, but either way I’ve been thinking that something was wrong with all that focus on my weight when I was near goal last time though, so this time around I’m eager NOT to talk about it. That what my blogging is for. My plan was to limit the talk to my blog unless someone really pushed me to talk about it. And then only privately.
But now I’m wondering if that’s too rigid. I have a long way to go.
12.
lara | February 27, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Oy, I both feel sorry for her and hate her at the same time! I am a very self-concious person and don’t like to draw attention to myeslf (especially with food) and even at the worst of my ED I never talked about what I ate or didn’t eat so it is really hard for me to imagine someone talking about themselves and their diet/weight so much. Makes me cringe. I rarely tell anyone I am “on a diet”. I am also very dedicated to eating locally/seasonally/sustainably and don’t eat processed foods but certainly don’t broadcast it.
Sounds like you handled the situation very well. Kudos.
13.
Maggie | February 27, 2009 at 12:12 pm
That is completely insane. I’m with nikita - ever since I’ve been in recovery I cannot stand when people talk about diets, and I get uncomfortable (I also feel like they’re judging me, I don’t know why). You handled the situation well.
14.
Staci | February 27, 2009 at 1:35 pm
On the one hand, I sort of feel like I am “that girl.” I try not to talk about my dieting obsessively but I know the people look at me and say I’m thin but I don’t feel like I am. I just hope I’m not THAT annoying!
It certainly wouldn’t have been my topic of choice in front of all of those people. It’s a discussion I try to reserve for those I’m close to…when they aren’t eating.
I’m really, really proud of the way you handled yourself. And, your meals sound absolutely DELISH. I’m so glad you got to meet up with your family again!
15.
seeleelive | February 27, 2009 at 1:47 pm
great post. really opened my eyes!!
16.
lissa10279 | February 27, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Thanks for the feedback, ladies! Isn’t it interesting how this hits a nerve with so many of us? I wish back in the day when I was at my most-obsessive that I’d realized just how bloody annoying it is to hear this kind of thing. And how hurtful it can be to someone who, perhaps I didn’t even know, was battling an ED.
In this case, I just met her, and will never see her again. So it wasn’t worth the words.
Staci, you are sOOOOOOOOOO not that girl!! It’s good, though, for all of us to see just how (even without realizing we’re doing it) that we could be upsetting others with our chatter. That’s why we find friends (like us) who can relate and understand
To put this girl in perspective, she attended the conference on *public speaking* and told us (the group) in the beginning when we went around the room as to why we attended, that she was a great public speaker…who says that?!
17.
Sweet and Fit | February 27, 2009 at 11:25 pm
awesome post! I don’t kno if I could be able to control myself as well as you did - I think I would just want to shove a brownie down her throat =/
18.
juliet | February 28, 2009 at 1:56 am
“That girl” is scary and needs to make sure she is enjoying her life!
19.
ART | February 28, 2009 at 9:08 am
Was the workshop something your job paid for, or for personal reasons? I’m just curious…I work in PR, and with the economic conditions, there’s no way my company would pay for me to travel to something like this anymore. It makes me sad…sounds like a great opportunity.
20.
mamaV | February 28, 2009 at 11:52 am
Advice from your big mouth friend: Next time don’t suck it in-say what you think -KINDLY.
I think I am lucky because for me, this stuff just comes naturally, I tend to be one of those people that says what everyone else wants to say…but instead sits in frustration and irritation being held hostage to a babbler.
My discussion would go something like this;
“Your background is interesting, I surely admire your willpower. But to be honest, you are sitting here eating lettuce.”
Pause. Don’t talk and see how she responds.
She will go on babbling defending why she is only eating lettuce.
I say - “I hear you….no offense, I’m just telling you what I would tell any friend. Lettuce does not equal health.”
(Maybe throw in that you happen to write a blog about disordered eating and she should check it out).
Then take a huge bite out of your sandwich and smile
mV
21.
lissa10279 | February 28, 2009 at 12:11 pm
ART, it was something work paid for. I know so many companies are going through tough times, but not all are suffering. I feel extremely fortunate to work where I do; we haven’t been impacted by the tough economy … which we all realize is an oddity in this economic climate! The workshop could take up to 20; there were only 8 attendees (and 2 from PR News, which hosted it). My guess is money was a factor in why some people didn’t attend.
MamaV, I totally respect your ability to say it as it is and admire it — I’m sure sometimes I am hurting myself when I don’t speak up …
And in any other setting, I might have eagerly taken your advice, but I also have to look at the situation contextually, and in a setting like this — strangers at a PR workshop in a board room setting with every conversation heard by everyone as we eat lunch… it just wasn’t appropriate or even worth it to say anything. Had she been a friend, or someone I’d like to befriend, then yes, I’d have opened my mouth (as I noted, it was super-hard). And at one point I even considered mentioning my blog and how she sounded like me not too long ago … but frankly, didn’t want to get personal with her. Esp. since she did have a captive audience from some of those ladies … Plus, I’ll never see her again and in a way, I didn’t want to draw attention to myself. On the flipside, sometimes I have piped in when I’ve heard people I might not know too well obsessing. They don’t realize that, within their audience, there could be someone with an ED or struggling with DE.
Anyway, your advise could def. come in handy, but I feel confident I did the right thing this time, keeping my lips zipped.
22.
Emily | March 1, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Just discovered your blog and it has real resonance with me. Like you, I am battling a very negative image of my own body so finding someone the same really helps me feel less alone. Thank you
23.
lissa10279 | March 1, 2009 at 7:58 pm
Hi Emily and thanks for commenting! Best wishes on your journey and remember, you’re not alone.
24.
mamaV | March 2, 2009 at 9:06 am
Hi Melissa: The context does paint a different picture. It sounds like it would have been kind of rude to call her out and/or interupt the whole lunch.
Under normal circumstances, I find that a lot of my friends get in these situations, and they spend their time being frustrated or insulted or self conscience….when they could speak up but don’t because in reality its really hard to do you know?
Take care!
mV
25.
lissa10279 | March 2, 2009 at 9:28 am
Thanks, MamaV!! Yea, it would have just been awkward. Had it just been a couple of people, or in a different setting, sure … but in this case, I’d have looked foolish.
But I can def. take the advice of speaking up when necessary, to heart!!
Thanks!