Posts filed under 'chewing and spitting'
That said, I just wanted to share with everyone here that I’ve been chew/spit free for six weeks now! … A tremendous accomplishment, and one of which I am very, very proud.
It doesn’t mean I am confident enough to say six weeks means I’m out of the woods just yet –we all know blips on the radar, pebbles on the road are part of the recovery process–but I am so happy to be where I am mentally right now, in this moment. (No jinxing it, ok?!)
I owe a big thank you to my friends and family and husband who really helped me see that THIS IS IN MY CONTROL. (more…)
13 comments April 21, 2009
Roughly four weeks ago I decided that I was in control of my chewing and spitting behavior and that I could, indeed, CHOOSE not to do it. That I could be proud of my choices, not feel guilty for them.
In the two weeks that followed, I found myself over-eating on foods I used to chew/spit … and over-exercising. (I don’t share a recap of my days here like some bloggers do, but that’s the honest truth).
This past week, my exercise was more normalized, and I didn’t buy quite as many triggers. I also took a rest day (and will tomorrow, a travel day) … but I have been still eating more than I need to (for someone who still wants to lose weight and get back to where I feel my best).
Mostly, it’s been giving in to that-time-of-the-month cravings (which ends today, phew!), not flexing my resistance muscle, and just plain enjoying more than usual … (which isn’t such a bad thing, if I were able to be happy with my figure as it is … some days I am, other days … I’m not … call me Goldilocks, looking for something that’s juuuuuuuuuuuust right).
But as I’ve noted here, I’ve also eaten chocolate in the privacy of my car or at my work cufice that I know I just don’t need — and the secretive, sneaky way I do it … I wouldn’t want my friends, coworkers, husband, family to see. It’s embarassing.
So it is my hope that this coming week, I’ll finally see growth, evidence of that happy medium. (more…)
10 comments April 10, 2009
Though I personally have never experienced anorexia or bulimia — both of which she successfully recovered from — I really liked the easy flow of her writing, and the positive tone she carries throughout the book.
(Disclaimer: I’ve never read a recovery book, so I honestly didn’t know what to expect).
But even as someone who never dealt with the severe mental illnesses she did, I can still relate on my own level. I’d recommend this book to anyone ready to take that step.
I liked how she makes the connection that, in recovery, relationships replace eating disorders. (more…)
6 comments April 6, 2009
Journaling everything, but not denying myself anything, really.
Which can be both positive and negative, depending on the situation.
The thing is, I’ve been an insatiable beast, and my period is over a week away!
My self-analysis says that I stopped the chewing/spitting, but am still buying some triggers … perhaps to test myself? The thing is, I don’t NEED any of it; I just WANT it.
So the next step is a logical one, don’t test yourself, don’t buy the triggers. (more…)
14 comments March 31, 2009
“If you don’t learn to master your rage, your rage will become your master….”
I can’t take credit for this quote; my brother shared it via e-mail with me this morning, and I just had to share it here because I think it speaks volumes.
Apparently this (to quote my bro) “seemingly intelligent quote is nothing more than a ridiculous quote I learned from the Ben Stiller movie, Mystery Men.”
He suggested just trying replacing the word “rage” with anything I want and make my own sense of it, and encouraged me to give it a shot. (more…)
2 comments March 20, 2009
He doesn’t read my blog, but he knows what has been going on, and he’s been concerned.
The last time we spoke about chewing and spitting a couple months ago, I’d gone three weeks without doing it, which was a pretty good streak.
And so he was surprised to hear from my sister that I still sometimes did it. He knew of the conversation I’d had with her earlier this week (which instigated the “to blog or not to blog” post) and so when he called, he expressed concern.
We talked for a long time — I’m super-close with my siblings, so this isn’t abnormal — and one of the things that he said really hit home.
He asked how I feel after I chew and spit, and I told the truth. I said usually, I feel guilty because it’s such a gross behavior. But sometimes, I acknowledged, it feels good.
He asked if, knowing how bad it often makes me feel most of the time, I could just not buy the candy bar at all, especially if I bought it solely with the intent to spit.
Since I’d shared with him how c/s is my “rebellion,” he suggested maybe then I’d be able to “rebel” against chewing and spitting it, since I fully agreed it’s an unhealthy and gross habit. (more…)
10 comments March 20, 2009
Well, I’m about to make a kind of crazy, provocative analogy that I truly hope won’t offend anyone, but it’s one that I’ve been thinking in my head for a long time now … and only now, do I feel comfortable enough to share it here with you, my readers.
One of the questions Dr. G. asked me (when I initially started therapy and we were talking about anxiety and my perfectionist tendencies) was how things are in the bedroom for me –am I able to “let go” and enjoy sex/intimacy.
I was kind of surprised, because I certainly wasn’t seeking therapy for marital problems or sexual problems of any kind.
But I guess when she heard so much about my tendencies to restrict certain foods at certain times, over-exercise, obsessive calorie-counting, negative body image etc., chewing and spitting — i.e., my tendency not handle such things in moderation — she was concerned perhaps those tendencies also flowed into my personal life (read as, sex life). (more…)
16 comments March 17, 2009
See, I’ve had to go to Target for various items and well, they have a good candy selection, one I can often walk by … but clearly not the past three days.
Reese’s Whips, Reese’s White Chocolate eggs, and Hershey’s Cookies and Cream bars were my vices of choice.
I’m fully aware it’s a compulsive behavior (more…)
15 comments March 12, 2009
I’m an affectionate person, and I show my husband love in little ways each day.
It could be a gesture as simple as picking up a Sudoku puzzle book I know he’d like, getting his favorite bagel at Panera on my way home from the gym on Sundays, making a quick call on my lunch break to say hi, shooting him a little “thinking about you” e-mail, helping with the shoveling (or something else I loathe!), or holding on a little longer than usual in a hug.
… Or it could be the positive changes I’ve made regarding food/exercise over the past few months: making the split decision to come home after work instead of the gym so we have more time together (and going later when he’s studying, or resting), suggesting a bike ride together since we both love the outdoors, being flexible with where we decide to eat, blogging on my lunch break (when I can) so we have time together on his non-school nights … (more…)
11 comments February 13, 2009
Today’s a confessional post. No, it’s not about midnight eating — I’ve been in the clear for a while.
I am struggling with my journaling on Sparkpeople. Not the act of journaling — I’m a pro at that. But rather about a pickle I’ve gotten myself into. See, my caloric range is 1270-1570. Not terrible, provided I stick to it; it’s a perfectly acceptable range and most days, totally do-able.
I’ve discovered on WW I was eating too much to lose. I lose when I’m in the 1400-1500 range with my usual exercise (which would be basically WW target points plus a couple Flex) but the past two weeks, after a kick-ass first week back on Sparkpeople, I’ve simply not been able to get it together.
What I mean is, I had one high day two weeks ago, and I’ve been “buying calories” for the next day ever since … Technically this isn’t cheating, as I am not going above my limit for the week, but it’s cheating because I am not in my range that one day.
And I gained last week — the same 1.4 I’d lost the previous week. Sure, it could have been a fluke (I hadn’t weighed in all week and didn’t this weekend, either) but I am sure eating at the high end of my range isn’t helping me any. (more…)
20 comments February 2, 2009