Posts filed under 'OCD'
Gym Rat = Gym “Hog”?!
This past week I had two quasi-uncomfortable situations at the gym. I realized I’m not just a gym rat but perhaps an (unintentional) gym hog, too.
Backing up, the check-in people at the front all know me by name and so do most of the trainers. They see me so often that last spring, the owner actually asked me, while laughing, if I ever skipped a day — that I was “like clockwork.”
I kind of felt pathetic having the owner think I was there too much.
I’ve said before here that I’m a creature of habit, that I flourish in routines, within the boundaries of structure. I used to go at 5:30 a.m. when it opened until this fall and winter, when I took to after-work sessions.
And because I got there among the first (few) pre-dawn exercisers, I had full range of machines. So I always used the same Precor elliptical with arms: the one closest to the cubbies and magazine rack, and strategically close to the water fountain and the paper towel/cleaning dispensers.
Anyway, I didn’t initially pick it for any of those reasons (though it does scream of OCD behavior). The machine was just always available that early in the morning, so it became a habitual thing for me. (more…)
2 comments January 5, 2009
Overriding Immediate Gratification
I’m learning through therapy that I struggle with the notion of “delayed gratification.”
As an anxious person, I like things here and now and done yesterday, not tomorrow.
So naturally, given my anxious hardwiring, it’s not always easy for me to, as Dr. G. says, “override immediate gratification” in favor of delayed gratification.
I can do it for some things that focus on the greater good (journaling diligently, exercising, studying, etc) but not for everything (my less-than-stellar spending habits).
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a compulsive person. For me it’s never been about drugs or alcohol or gambling or promiscuity or anything that could do me bodily harm, but I am compulsive in my thoughts. Food and shopping tend to be two ways my compulsion manifests itself. (Talking incessantly (or thinking) is another).
For instance, when I go shopping, I go shopping. (i.e., often a spree — after which, I often feel guilty and march back to said stores, receipts in hand). (more…)
15 comments December 11, 2008
Immunity?
A recent conversation with a loved one has me pondering if perhaps I’ve become immune to what I’m experiencing … as in, maybe because I’m living it, I don’t see glimpses into just how obsessive I still am? And that perhaps blogging is only adding to my OCD relationship with food and exercise?
Some days I think this is truly helping me. I can sift through my thoughts and share my opinions here; it’s a “safe place” because I write and you read and then we create a dialogue.
But then someone says something that makes me second guess myself. Like a friend, or a loved one — voicing concern that maybe blogging is just another mechanism for my obsessivness: instead of talking about food and exercise … I’m writing about it.
In detail.
And so I’m beginning to wonder … is there really any difference? Is this just another manifestation of my OCD? (more…)
16 comments December 5, 2008
Screw the Scale … for Today at Least.
Image credit: kescott45.wordpress.com
What a great quote.
How often do we, as women, treat our bodies like enemies, berating them and chastising them … and then treating our scales — stupid machines!–like friends?
You know the drill: If we see a “good” number we’re happy. A “bad” number and we want to hit something or assume we got “fat” overnight or will gain it all back (we didn’t; we won’t).
Rational me says it’s just a moment frozen in time. Yet irrational me says it feels so monumental. It’s like the angel and devil on my shoulder, duking it out each day.
Believe it or not, but I had never owned a scale until I joined Weight Watchers. Really. A woman in her twenties did not own a scale and had no idea how much she weighed. (Is she for real?!)
(more…)
12 comments September 24, 2008
A “Healthy” Obsession?
Image credit: www.ok.gov
Yes, I realize this is my blog about disordered eating, which in most people’s minds equals “bad,” but let me explain.
(I’m searching for the “gray” here, trying to avoid black and white terms.)
See, although it’s caused me a lot of internal strife, it seems as though my obsession has almost worked in my favor, in the sense that I’ve not allowed myself to gain more than a couple pounds from my lowest, attained in 2004.
True, I’m not “at goal” at the moment (teetering about 5-7 lbs from it still depending on that time of the month) but it’s attainable, and I am working on changing some unhealthy behaviors associated with disordered eating that drain me.
I really think the reason I haven’t gained more (or “let myself” gain more) is because even under the most stressful of situations (and I’ve had many over the years), I’m naturally hard-wired to be regimented, at all costs. So I still ate well and exercised–two surefire ways for keeping the weight off.
And in spite of the ugly behaviors that began since losing weight, I’ve still been able to maintain a healthy weight–and now I just want to do it in a healthier, happier way. (more…)
16 comments July 31, 2008
