Immunity?
December 5, 2008
A recent conversation with a loved one has me pondering if perhaps I’ve become immune to what I’m experiencing … as in, maybe because I’m living it, I don’t see glimpses into just how obsessive I still am? And that perhaps blogging is only adding to my OCD relationship with food and exercise?
Some days I think this is truly helping me. I can sift through my thoughts and share my opinions here; it’s a “safe place” because I write and you read and then we create a dialogue.
But then someone says something that makes me second guess myself. Like a friend, or a loved one — voicing concern that maybe blogging is just another mechanism for my obsessivness: instead of talking about food and exercise … I’m writing about it.
In detail.
And so I’m beginning to wonder … is there really any difference? Is this just another manifestation of my OCD?
Because the thoughts are still there; they haven’t gone away. And while I’ve made many strides, in my head I’m still always counting Points, even when I’m trying not to. It’s like ingrained in me. My husband can has called me out on it — “You’re counting in your head, I can tell.” And though I hate to admit it, he’s usually right, but because it’s subconscious, I don’t even realize what I’m doing.
On the positive side, were I to stop counting/measuring, I’d surely gain back the weight I’ve lost. So as a preventative measure, I think it’s good that I don’t turn a blind eye to what I already intrinsically know, now.
But it also means I’m never truly able to just “be” — even when I think I am just “being”; even when I appear I am just “being,” the wheels are still turning, whether I want to admit it or not. The thoughts are still there, and I don’t know that they’ll ever go away — or if I even want them to.
I really don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing anymore. I can’t shut it off, the way I can do now with some irrational thoughts I might have. I mean, it’s not irrational to think, “I don’t really need seconds of that lasagna; I can have it for lunch tomorrow.” That’s just smart living.
So while it’s great that, through therapy, I can tell myself how to separate rational thoughts (i.e., “It’s good to eat a balanced meal so I don’t mindlessly munch”) and irrational thoughts (i.e., “I won’t get fat if I don’t exercise this weekend”) … it’s not really helping me turn the food thoughts off completely.
I have my next session with Dr. G. on Tuesday and I’ll bring this up. I’m curious what she has to say. Perhaps we need to focus more on the OCD thoughts I’m having even moreso than the behaviors I’ve been struggling with.
After all, thoughts lead to emotions which lead to behavior. In the end, it’s all related.
How about you? Do you think talking about your food issues helps or harms you? If you blog, do you think it fuels your problems or is really helping?
Entry Filed under: Blogging, OCD, Therapy, eating disorders. Tags: Blogging, disordered eating, OCD, Therapy.
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1.
elena | December 5, 2008 at 8:06 am
hey meliss,
it’s funny you bring this up - i’ve actually thought this myself for awhile, that perhaps the blog is becoming another manifestation of your anxiety, in a way. that’s why i asked on monday if your therapist knew about it, and had read it - i was curious to hear if she thought it was a healthy exercise. when you told me she had read it, i felt a lot better.
the thing is, i know you derive a lot of support from your readers (and, obviously, they from you), so in that way i feel like you’ve found this loving community who identifies with your struggles. on the other hand, i worry that perhaps your daily entries are serving as this constant reminder to you that you’re struggling in the first place…know what i mean?
anyway, i’m glad you’re considering all of this and also glad you’re going to talk to dr. g. about it - and even if she says it’s perfectly acceptable for you to be blogging daily, it’s good that you’ve thought this through. i’m proud of you!
2.
lissa10279 | December 5, 2008 at 8:30 am
Hi Elena! I know, that’s what’s beginning to suck…not knowing if this experiment (blogotherapy plus therapy) is hurting me or helping me. I will talk to Dr. G. and see what she says. Thank you … I do appreciate it.
XOXO
3.
Holly | December 5, 2008 at 8:42 am
You know that’s funny, because I feel the EXACT same way. One day, I’m thankful for the blogging community because it allows me to share my feelings and thoughts about food and exercise, and it drives me to eat healthy foods and have a good relationship with food. There are days, however, where I compare myself with what others have eaten, how much they exercised, etc. Of course I could stop blogging and surfing others’ blogs, but then it really is a lot of fun for me! I’m not quite sure what to do.
I’m anxious to see what your therapist says about it.
4.
marafaye | December 5, 2008 at 9:07 am
I think the blogging deal for me has been SUPER helpful, because it forces me to really plan out my day so that I can make a great dinner to share with the blogging community. If I had a daily recap blog though, I think it would drive me crazy.
5.
lissa10279 | December 5, 2008 at 9:07 am
Amen Holly. I’ll keep you all posted after we meet Tues.
I guess that’s the double-edged sword; I love reading/writing about this stuff; it’s a passion and maybe it’s an obsession … but is it any different than someone who loves jazz blogging about it, or who loves celebrities?
6.
Liz Turtle | December 5, 2008 at 10:20 am
If Dr. G thinks your current blog here is exacerbating any of your issues, maybe you could shift the focus on the blog. I believe it is possible to write about health without getting obsessive about Points and diet success and wallowing in past missteps. Maybe your Dr could even suggest positive things for you to write about: like future goals or even what you could do this very day to make you feel good about yourself
.
7.
lissa10279 | December 5, 2008 at 10:37 am
Mara, a recap blog would drive me nuts, too. I like looking at people’s pics of what they eat for every meal, but to me, that’s not me, ya know?
Liz, I will see what she says — that’s a happy medium and I like it!! Honestly, I don’t usually talk too much about Points, but this came from a loved one who doesn’t read these blogs (of any kind about food) and to her it seemed obsessive - the opposite of what I’m aiming for. I think in a way it comes with the territory; this is what I’m interested in and she’s not so it’s foreign to her to read all this spelled out. I know it was voiced out of concern, however.
8.
Cathy | December 5, 2008 at 11:26 am
What about eating a meal and then counting it afterward? That’s what most healthy people do. Enjoy a meal, making smart choices along the way, then assess the meal later on that day?
That way you’re not escaping the moment, not counting in your head as you go along, you’re listening to your body and obeying your hunger and thirst?
just a thought. I don’t really count DURING my meal, but assess it afterward. it feels alot more human that way….but maybe you already do this?
9.
Cathy | December 5, 2008 at 11:31 am
That was all in response to your husband “catching” you counting.
in response to whether this is helpful or hurtful…
I think it’s helpful.
I don’t think you will just up and stop talking/thinking about these things. Instead you’ve found a community of people who can benefit from your thoughts and help you with your own.
You’ve mentioned a number of times that this has helped you admit to your chew-spitting and obsessiveness and you mark your progress with these here in writing.
don’t forget that you ENJOY this. it’s something you clearly look forward to every night. there are worse things to be doing with your time!
10.
auntie | December 5, 2008 at 12:25 pm
When I write about something on my blog, I think of it the same way I do when I see my therapist - I’m getting the thoughts out of my head, hopefully analyzing what’s going on, and then trying to change my perspective of the situation or figure out what I can do to change things - and I think you tend to do the same thing on here.
You’ve admitted that you’re completely honest about your food issues on here, something that’s very difficult for anyone to do, and I think by getting it all out there in a post, you’re showing that you’re open for feedback (even if you don’t ask for it specifically). And I’ve seen some of your response comments on here where you say “I hadn’t thought of it that way” or something similar, which says to me that the informal checks & balances system of the blogging world is working.
You do pay a lot of attention to food points, but that’s part of the WW system, and when you’ve been doing it for so long it naturally becomes a habit. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, especially since it helps keep you where you want to be physically, and you’re willing/able to be flexible with your eating plans when you need or want to.
I guess I rambled on about all that to say that I don’t see anything obsessive about your posts - you are writing about something you love, which keeps you committed to it, and you’re helping many other people in the process. Plus, you’re a great writer!!
11.
lissa10279 | December 5, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Hi Cathy, that is kind of what I do — it’s subconscious but I know how much to eat; it’s second nature. And then I count it up after. Like at lunch today I hadn’t planned on bread, but I tore off a piece. I enjoyed it and assessed. And it felt sane.
I think so, too — I’ve found a community where it’s, in my mind, mutually helpful. And it keeps me honest about the DE behaviors when they occur.
And you’re right, I enjoy writing. It’s just a double-edged sword.
Hi Auntie– thank you … that means a lot. And I’m def. open to feedback; and I like your checks-and-balances point, too.
Thank you… I hope I’m helping others!
12. Not Quite There Yet &laqu&hellip | December 8, 2008 at 11:36 am
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13.
Kersten | December 9, 2008 at 2:56 am
If you feel like you’re obsessing, falling back into old behaviors, or exaggerating other bad habits, then maybe you should reevaluate how and why you use your blog.
It is human nature to compare yourself to others, but keep in mind that your goals and needs are different than anyone else’s. Rather than comparing yourself to others, maybe try to take away a thing or two from their blog that can help you on your journey.
I’m not a points counter, but a calorie counter these days, and I totally fell off the wagon this weekend. I beat myself up and now look back and say, that’s okay, we all have highs and lows, but I’m still on track to being healthier, losing excess weight, and doing it in a healthy manner. Kudos to you for being so open and honest.
14.
julie | December 9, 2008 at 8:20 am
Personally, I think the whole WW/points system encourages obsession.by definition. I won’t touch any of that. I have a general idea of what’s truly fattening, and I can kinda tell by how it feels in my tummy if I don’t. If a food is very fattening, I eat less of it. Other than that, I exercise a lot, eat lots of fruits and veggies, and lose weight at a comfortable pace. I count nothing, write down nothing.
I actually do have a blog, but am trying to get a life, after being food and weight obsessed after all these years. I feel like I’m about done now, and need new interests, new hobbies. I realize how boring it is for most people to hear about my weight obsession, so I am giving it up, along with the extra weight. I’m starting to feel kinda normal, it’s very nice.
15.
lissa10279 | December 9, 2008 at 8:45 am
Thanks, Kersten, that’s what I plan to talk to my therapist about tonight. I don’t think I’m falling into old behaviors, it’s more like, is blogging helping or hurting my recovery process.
Julie, that’s what created my disordered eating: the obsession with Points. Good for you that it’s working — it sounds like you’re making great progress.
I like to personally think I very much have a life … I don’t think my blog is about my weight obsession so much as the inner workings of someone once they lose weight and keep it off, all the things no one tells you about. But I guess maybe that is boring to some people.
16. From the Doc’s Couc&hellip | December 10, 2008 at 10:32 am
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