My “Thesis” & the Final Frontier of Recovery
I got the most sincere and beautiful e-mail from a reader yesterday; e-mails like this reaffirm that I’m doing the right thing blogging and sharing my journey of discovery and recovery with the world, for better or for worse.
Without going into details of what she said, I wanted to share some thoughts I came away with after reading her message.
She pointed out that not journaling/IE/learning to trust myself, even for just a few days as an experiment – is kind of my last frontier of my disordered eating journey.
As she noted, I stopped chewing and spitting, my midnight incidents are few and far between, I’m not over-exercising as much, I know all about nutrition and portion size and portion control …
The only thing left, really, is to trust myself. The scariest notion of all, but the most necessary.
I likened it to my “graduate thesis” of sorts. My “capstone,” if you will — something I have real-world experience with. (more…)
1 comment July 10, 2009
Giving Intuitive Eating a Whirl
For five years, I’ve written down everything I have eaten.
But today marked my first day of not journaling … not even in my head. It wasn’t easy to tune out the voices, but I was able to do it … today.
While I don’t plan to ever report a play-by-play going forward like I’m about to do now, I did want to share my feelings on how today –my first day without reliance on my food journal – went.
All day, I tried to remember the ten basic tenets of Intuitive Eating (IE), which I read and reviewed last August. (You can read that review here).
I admit it felt very weird not to be writing things down, or going to Sparkpeople, but I really, really tried to listen to my hunger queues. It also felt weird not to be thinking in terms of Points or calories but rather to listen to what my body needed.
36 comments July 8, 2009
Breaking Free
One of the positive sides of blogging is we get lots of input from others who have been there/done that. Sometimes it’s in the form of tough love; other times it’s gentler nudges.
All the same, something that became abundantly clear to me as I read the comments the past two days is that I do need to break free from numbers … at least for a little bit.
The irony is that journaling/weighing/measuring is what helped me lose in the first place … but all signs seem to point to me needing to take a step back and finally trust myself a little more. Perhaps re-reading Intuitive Eating wouldn’t be such a bad thing …
(Here’s my review of IE from last August, actually … was refreshing to read it today.)
You do realize this notion of not journaling scares the bejeesus out of me, don’t you? But it’s time. It’s been a long time coming, in fact.
Mara said it best when she said she was using the whole “toddler” thing to her advantage:
“My toddler voice has been loud and strong lately. “I don’t wanna” count points. I “don’t wanna” work out. And you know? I’ve been going with it. If I can think like a toddler, I can eat like a toddler. Eat what I want, when I want, and the key? Just as much as I need. Toddlers eat til they’re satisfied and not a bite more. They don’t stuff themselves; if they want a bite of something, they have a bite of something. They stop when they’re done. So, I’m going to be a toddler… for now.”
That was just awesome, Mara — thank you. I never would have thought of it that way, that thinking like a toddler could actually be a positive.
It’s not going to be easy, especially because I like journaling (personal and food) but I’m going to make a commitment to go at least food journal-free for a few days. I might go blog-free, too — we’ll see. (more…)
15 comments July 8, 2009
“… But I Don’t Wanna…!“
How I'm feeling ...
To quote my two-year old self, “I don’t wanna!”
“Dieting” goes against everything I felt about Weight Watchers; I always told people “it’s a way of life” and tried to make the distinction at every opportunity.
The truth is, if I’m going to cut 500 calories a day to lose a pound a week, I would much rather do it through exercise like I do now.
However unrealistic it is, I’d rather work out hard every single day for the rest of my life — than “diet” or not give in to momentary cravings/impulses/desires.
And that is what’s hurting me, what I’m eating … even though it’s journaled, even though it’s measured … it’s still too much – especially since I’ve been eating some of my activity points as of late.
It’s too much to lose. (more…)
20 comments July 8, 2009
P.S.-
I realize that today’s post (below) goes very against the notion of not speaking ill of my body, not identifying myself solely for my form/shape … but it’s a struggle for me, and I’ll leave it at that. I realize my messaging here isn’t consistent, but this is my thoughts, really what is going on inside my head … however twisted it may be. And truthfully … the emotional side of things is a lot harder to grapple with than the unhealthy physical behaviors I engaged in before.
3 comments July 7, 2009
Coming to Terms With My “Half-Way” Body
Warning: This is a rambling, stream of consciousness post …. and I don’t have the desire to play editor to slim it down.
This weekend it hit me that I am the size/weight I was during my summer of losing back in 2004, my “half-way” size/shape, if you will.
And while some might not be upset by this realization, I have to say, it was an unsettling feeling for me.
It goes without saying that I never want to go back to my unhealthy habits of chewing/spitting or excessively over-exercising.
But those ways weren’t how I lost weight in the first place, anyway. I did it the old-fashioned way: eating less, moving more, following WW Online.
It worked then, and it’s not working now and truthfully, that frustrates me. I wish it didn’t frustrate me or upset me, but it does.
Five years later, that equilibrium I sought and found seems completely messed up because I work out like a fiend, I’m strength training, I’m journaling and I’m still unable to lose weight — I’m eating too much (even with journaling/following WW) to lose.
I’m “overweight” again. I honestly don’t mean to sound like I’m beating myself up here, but it’s the truth. (more…)
32 comments July 7, 2009
Interview With Dara Chadwick!
Hi everyone! I hope you all had a safe, happy and healthy holiday weekend. Mine was fantastic, and I’m not looking forward to a full five-day work week, that’s for sure!
Anyway …
Dara Chadwick, author of the book You’d Be So Pretty If … (Click here for my review) graciously agreed to answer some questions for us here today. Take a look at her interview below, in her own words. Thanks again, Dara! 
1. You speak very openly about your own relationship with your mom, and I just want to say how very proud of you I am sure she’d be. Have you ever spoken with your own daughter about how your mom (her grandmother) shaped your self-image?
Thanks for that…my mom was not just a mom to me; she was also a good friend and not a day goes by that I don’t miss her. I’ve talked to my daughter about how her grandma felt about her body, but the subject came up mostly when I was writing the book and in subsequent interviews. The discussions we’ve had have been eye-opening for both of us.
2. What stood out for me most in the book was the notion that we, as women, lay the blueprint for how our daughters view themselves. Could you elaborate here for our audience, many of whom have recovered/are recovering from disordered eating or an eating disorder?
Think of it this way – you’re modeling for your daughter what it means to be a grown-up woman. What you think about, obsess about, laugh about and cry about teaches her what you value, and those values are shaping how she sees herself now and how she’ll see herself as an adult. During my year as Shape’s Weight-Loss Diary columnist, I realized that I wanted to show my daughter that taking care of my health — and being content with who and what I am – is what I value. If you’re struggling with an eating disorder, you can model healthy behavior for your daughter by seeking help for yourself. (more…)
4 comments July 6, 2009
A Little Respite is in Order
I’m so embarassed.
Yesterday, I sent out an internal news release with the date June 30 on it — fortunately, I fixed it before I prepped it and sent it out to the media, but with it being 60 degrees out here, forgive me for forgetting that yesterday began July!
Short post today — I just wanted to say, I am taking a couple days off from blogging to just enjoy some down-time.
We’re both off from work, and although we’re not going anywhere in particular (we need to finish tiling the basement, we’re hosting a BBQ, I’m meeting a dear friend for gabbing, lunch and outlet browsing) I need some time away from being “connected” for my own well-being.
So I hope you all have a safe, happy and healthy Fourth of July weekend, and I’ll “see you” next week!
4 comments July 2, 2009
Picked up on Salon.com?!
Wow!! Check it out … thanks to EggBeatenAngel for passing this along; I had no idea we’d been picked up for our blog posts about Michael Jackson.
Here’s the article, and while I don’t like the title because it’s misleading (I’m not and never have been anorexic), it is cool to get covered by Salon.com.
Click here to view it: Anorexics: Jackson is one of us.
5 comments July 1, 2009
A Dollar A Day
I’ve confessed I have a wee bit of a shopping problem, and that one of the biggest problems with my history of chewing and spitting was that I was wasting food (i.e., money) left and right — literally.
Fortunately, I haven’t chewed/spit in well over three months — hurrah, me!
But I’ve still had trouble buying stuff and just taking a bite before chucking it, when I know deep down I just don’t need it, yet I emotionally want it for whatever the reason du jour.
And, more importantly, if I’m not going to be eating the whole thing anyway (in a day, or a week), why bother buying it in the first place?
My best friend and I were dorm mates all through college, and it always amazed me how she could have a pack of M&Ms on her desk that could last for a week.
She has a serious sweet tooth like me (hello, it’s naturally part of why we’re BFF!). And if she wanted to eat the whole pack in a day, she would eat it, no prob.
But if it was in front of me or on my desk for a minute, chances were, it’d be gone, whether I wanted it or not — for me, it’s often emotional; she doesn’t struggle with that attachment to food like I always have.
So about three weeks ago, after a talk with my husband (where I shared how I really want to grasp the concept of saving better) he suggested a good, easy idea I could start immediately: putting just a dollar a day in a little jar at home (vs. sliding money into my savings account, which just feels automatic and cold).
Just a buck. No big commitment, right? (more…)
6 comments July 1, 2009
