Posts filed under 'Anxiety'
The answer for me is … not at all.
We have a choice. We might tell ourselves our disordered minds are in control, but they’re not. We are.
If we punish ourselves with restriction or over-exercising, or if we punish ourselves with a binge, we’re doing it to ourselves.
It’s not about the food or the exercise; it’s always about something else. Food or exercise (lack of it or over-abundance of it) is a coping mechanism.
And I don’t want to use either as my coping mechanisms any longer.
This weekend, during an Honest.Open.Willing. chat with my husband, he asked me point-blank, “When will the obsession end?”
He sees me more than any of my friends and family, and he sees glimmers of hope, some aspects of behavioral change. He knows I want to be better, to be more fun again, to be the happy girl I was when I was heavy … but he (as well as others close to me) have said, ” … but the obsession is still there.”
He’s right, it is.
I want to turn it off. I don’t want to be disordered, or have disordered thoughts, or to make progress only to fall back. (more…)
19 comments April 9, 2009
Coming off a natural high Tuesday from a great speaking event at Western Michigan University (where I addressed their public relations student group) followed by a super-relaxing night at home with my hubby, I was feeling good Wednesday morning.
I was dressed in my cute safari jacket I got for our Mexico trip, new Lia Sophia jewerly, dark jeans and boots, and I was in a great mood on my way to work.
Then I got pulled over and got a ticket.
Good mood went out the window as the cop handed me the evidence of my crime and a fine that will set me back $110 … and I won’t have anything cute or fun to show for it! (My husband thinks we should show up at court and see if we can appeal it, we’ll see …)
Seriously, I love the fact that that I went the first 28 years of my life without ever getting pulled over or getting a ticket, but that since moving to Michigan two and a half years ago, I’ve gotten now TWO speeding tickets at the same exact spot … in one year! (more…)
8 comments April 2, 2009
I found this recent New York Times article that piqued my interest, called, “What’s Eating Our Kids? Fears About ‘Bad’ Foods.”
I want my kids someday (when I have them) to have a healthy relationship with food. I want them to know fruits and veggies and whole grains and low-fat dairy are yummy, but I also don’t want them to freak out if someone offers them an ice cream cone. I want them to be able to enjoy the special treat without another kid (or mother) commenting.
I’m not a mom yet, but I still have an opinion on this: it’s one thing to encourage healthy eating habits (recently Michelle Obama’s been talking a lot about how her family find that balance between health and pleasure with respect to food), but it’s another thing to ban foods altogether — which can lead to binge eating behavior later in life or an unhealthy relationship with food (like I’ve experienced). (more…)
7 comments March 25, 2009
“If you don’t learn to master your rage, your rage will become your master….”
I can’t take credit for this quote; my brother shared it via e-mail with me this morning, and I just had to share it here because I think it speaks volumes.
Apparently this (to quote my bro) “seemingly intelligent quote is nothing more than a ridiculous quote I learned from the Ben Stiller movie, Mystery Men.”
He suggested just trying replacing the word “rage” with anything I want and make my own sense of it, and encouraged me to give it a shot. (more…)
2 comments March 20, 2009
Well, I’m about to make a kind of crazy, provocative analogy that I truly hope won’t offend anyone, but it’s one that I’ve been thinking in my head for a long time now … and only now, do I feel comfortable enough to share it here with you, my readers.
One of the questions Dr. G. asked me (when I initially started therapy and we were talking about anxiety and my perfectionist tendencies) was how things are in the bedroom for me –am I able to “let go” and enjoy sex/intimacy.
I was kind of surprised, because I certainly wasn’t seeking therapy for marital problems or sexual problems of any kind.
But I guess when she heard so much about my tendencies to restrict certain foods at certain times, over-exercise, obsessive calorie-counting, negative body image etc., chewing and spitting — i.e., my tendency not handle such things in moderation — she was concerned perhaps those tendencies also flowed into my personal life (read as, sex life). (more…)
16 comments March 17, 2009
In the past, I’ve suffered from extreme peformance anxiety. For example, I’ve always hated public speaking in school, and I don’t like to speak up at work.
I have to be honest, it’s been mostly for fear of rejection/disinterest from my audience, whether it be classmates or colleagues. I always worried I didn’t have something good enough or interesting enough to say … or feared I’d clam up when push came to shove. (more…)
15 comments March 13, 2009
Lately I’ve felt as though I’ve been grasping for straws trying to get my life in order after a fall/early winter spent in much disarray.
I’ve noticed a correlation between body happiness and overall happiness/contentment/sense of order. Right now, I’m not in that body-love mode, and so my life feels “chaotic.”
Between my marriage, friendships/family, social life, work, blogging, the gym, and now my Lia Sophia business on the side as well as upcoming personal training sessions, I am going to have quite a bit on my plate — certainly not as much as my friends who are working moms, or those with a new baby, or my husband who is working full-time and getting his MBA part-time. But plenty to keep me occupied, and hopefully distracted from disordered eating behaviors/issues.
On the flipside, I asked for it, have made the strides to do something for me … and I am going to embrace it. (more…)
6 comments February 19, 2009
This is going to be a busy week for me, and hopefully one of growth.
I have my first event to become a Lia Sophia consultant (tonight), my first training session (Tuesday) and my first Lia Sophia party I’ll be hosting (Thursday).
Then, as if that’s not enough excitement, next week, I’m going to New York for an uber-intensive, one-day professional development seminar for PR practitioners, sponsored by PR News and led by CommCore Consulting Group, one of the most well-known communications/crisis communications groups. (This is for work).
I have to admit, I’m a little nervous of all the things on the horizon, but I’m also excited, too. And for me, excitement — be it good or bad — usually leads to anxiety and, subsequently, stomach issues. Ugh. (more…)
2 comments February 16, 2009
Last night after work, I drove to the gym to get in a last workout for the week … and turned around.
I was seriously so proud of myself. It’s so very rare I do that (I can count twice in the past 6 months — both of which have been documented here)
But this week alone (my “week” goes Friday to Friday) I had burned an awesome 3300 calories in exercise (per my heart rate monitor — I usually aim for 2800-3000) and have been sticking to my SP range, never going above the max limit.
So I didn’t need the exercise, and knew a night off would probably be beneficial for my muscles. In addition to that, I was wiped out after a restless night’s sleep the previous night … and the biggest factor of all: I was genuinely hungry and knew a workout would only make me want to eat more later.
All of these factore led to the rational, calm, sane decision to take a night off.
I went home intending to just unwind with my husband, since this has been a stressful week for both of us and we hadn’t spent much time together.
But that was not to be, thanks to Mother Nature. (more…)
19 comments January 23, 2009