Posts filed under 'Binge Eating'
Weeding the Roots
This weekend my husband and I went to a wedding in Cleveland with a bunch of friends.
We had a truly fabulous time (we laughed so much this weekend that our sides hurt!), and after we got home on Sunday afternoon, we decided to take advantage of the sunshine and warm-ish weather and get to work tending to the dandelions that sprouted up in the past week.
We worked as a team, him using the little digging gadget to get to the root of each ugly weed, and me trailing behind with a bag to collect the dead weeds.
Now, I admittedly don’t have a green thumb and have never really gotten into gardening. Even though my parents are both really into it and can usually be found on a weekend afternoon in the garden, I never joined them as a kid, and honestly don’t know much about it. (more…)
7 comments May 4, 2009
The Party’s Over … or Just Beginning?
Roughly four weeks ago I decided that I was in control of my chewing and spitting behavior and that I could, indeed, CHOOSE not to do it. That I could be proud of my choices, not feel guilty for them.
In the two weeks that followed, I found myself over-eating on foods I used to chew/spit … and over-exercising. (I don’t share a recap of my days here like some bloggers do, but that’s the honest truth).
This past week, my exercise was more normalized, and I didn’t buy quite as many triggers. I also took a rest day (and will tomorrow, a travel day) … but I have been still eating more than I need to (for someone who still wants to lose weight and get back to where I feel my best).
Mostly, it’s been giving in to that-time-of-the-month cravings (which ends today, phew!), not flexing my resistance muscle, and just plain enjoying more than usual … (which isn’t such a bad thing, if I were able to be happy with my figure as it is … some days I am, other days … I’m not … call me Goldilocks, looking for something that’s juuuuuuuuuuuust right).
But as I’ve noted here, I’ve also eaten chocolate in the privacy of my car or at my work cufice that I know I just don’t need — and the secretive, sneaky way I do it … I wouldn’t want my friends, coworkers, husband, family to see. It’s embarassing.
So it is my hope that this coming week, I’ll finally see growth, evidence of that happy medium. (more…)
10 comments April 10, 2009
How Disordered Do You Want to Be?
I ask this because I, like you, have a choice.
The answer for me is … not at all.
We have a choice. We might tell ourselves our disordered minds are in control, but they’re not. We are.
If we punish ourselves with restriction or over-exercising, or if we punish ourselves with a binge, we’re doing it to ourselves.
It’s not about the food or the exercise; it’s always about something else. Food or exercise (lack of it or over-abundance of it) is a coping mechanism.
And I don’t want to use either as my coping mechanisms any longer.
This weekend, during an Honest.Open.Willing. chat with my husband, he asked me point-blank, “When will the obsession end?”
He sees me more than any of my friends and family, and he sees glimmers of hope, some aspects of behavioral change. He knows I want to be better, to be more fun again, to be the happy girl I was when I was heavy … but he (as well as others close to me) have said, ” … but the obsession is still there.”
He’s right, it is.
I want to turn it off. I don’t want to be disordered, or have disordered thoughts, or to make progress only to fall back. (more…)
19 comments April 9, 2009
Cravings … Sweet Cravings
I’ve given into my cravings for the past week or so … usually in the form of chocolate.
Journaling everything, but not denying myself anything, really.
Which can be both positive and negative, depending on the situation.
The thing is, I’ve been an insatiable beast, and my period is over a week away!
My self-analysis says that I stopped the chewing/spitting, but am still buying some triggers … perhaps to test myself? The thing is, I don’t NEED any of it; I just WANT it.
So the next step is a logical one, don’t test yourself, don’t buy the triggers. (more…)
14 comments March 31, 2009
Kids and “Bad” Food Anxiety?!
I found this recent New York Times article that piqued my interest, called, “What’s Eating Our Kids? Fears About ‘Bad’ Foods.”
I want my kids someday (when I have them) to have a healthy relationship with food. I want them to know fruits and veggies and whole grains and low-fat dairy are yummy, but I also don’t want them to freak out if someone offers them an ice cream cone. I want them to be able to enjoy the special treat without another kid (or mother) commenting.
I’m not a mom yet, but I still have an opinion on this: it’s one thing to encourage healthy eating habits (recently Michelle Obama’s been talking a lot about how her family find that balance between health and pleasure with respect to food), but it’s another thing to ban foods altogether — which can lead to binge eating behavior later in life or an unhealthy relationship with food (like I’ve experienced). (more…)
7 comments March 25, 2009
A Cookie Monster Moment
Well, I’ve been feeling awesome.
So awesome, in fact, that I had lost track of how many days it’s been since I had chewed-and-spit … all I know is that the last time was early-to-mid-September.
And, like anyone in a recovery program (mine being self-created) it’s natural to fall back into old ways on occasion. I’ve reframed it in my mind that it’s not a crime, so long as it doesn’t become a habit.
In fact, I debated even sharing this story — I don’t owe it to anyone, but myself.
But, wanting to live authentically and being the open person I am — and given the fact that this information might be a gift to someone who reads this blog (seeing that, even though I’m trying, no one is perfect), I figured keeping this tale private would hurt no one but me.
I had a wonderful weekend — ate well, exercised, relaxed, had fun with my husband and with my friends.
Saturday we were going to a friend’s dinner party and, knowing that for religious reasons the couple doesn’t drink, I opted to bake Tollhouse chocolate chip cookie bars for them.
I chose these deliberately because I am not a huge cookie fan, and didn’t think I’d be tempted (and because most people eat this kind of cookie).
Ironically enough, one of the foods I’ve chewed-and-spit in the past (with great frequency) has been cookies I’ve just made … probably because they smell so damn good, but the taste has never really been “my thing” where I’d say “No, I shouldn’t have these around.” (more…)
10 comments November 3, 2008
Hanging Head in Shame …
It was destined to happen.
I’ve always had my midnight incidents, but I’ve never called them a real “binge” because I had never been truly out of control. I always weighed and measured, and never went beyond 5 pts.
But last night at 2 a.m., after going to bed happy and tired at 12:30 when my husband got home from class and we’d chatted, I woke suddenly at 2:22 a.m. and the monster hit. No clue why. I’d had a good day, a happy day (despite hearing that a family member — a second cousin — had passed away).
I am mortified to share this damage with you, but I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t share my stumbles as well as my successes.
After a 23 pt day with moderate exercise (a walk and then 2 activity points (APs) of cardio at the gym) I ate pretty much anything I hadn’t had that day and had thought about — all at once!
This is what I consumed, alone at 2:22 a.m. with no rhyme or reason. 
(more…)
13 comments October 14, 2008
Savoring 29 Already :)
Smelling the roses...
I didn’t post on Friday because I wanted to enjoy my birthday with no distractions.
While blogging is fun for me, some nights/days it can be like a job…and if I truly wanted to savor the day/weekend, I needed to separate myself for a little bit from the laptop. And thinking about food/exercise.
Ironically, Thursday night (my birthday) I had my first qualifiable “binge” — it was ridiculous. I ate like 10 points at 2 a.m. It was ugly. And I felt awful on Friday.
The thing was, I had had such a great day (lots of calls, e-mails, gorgeous flowers from my husband and a wonderful gift), and had been planning on saving my points for my big birthday dinner out on Friday night with friends …
In retrospect, I think maybe I should have treated myself to something on my actual birthday, because it backfired royally. Instead of savoring something with my husband and friends, I ended up eating alone, mindlessly, at 2 a.m. It was as though I’d been “deprived.”
But I didn’t let it ruin the tone of the weekend — which is progress. (more…)
5 comments October 6, 2008
Stop the Madness: Midnight Eating
So my other disordered eating behavior — which my therapist says isn’t actually disordered — is waking up at midnight and eating … even after a great, healthy food day … even after I’ve been satisfied.
It usually happens during my period, which is this week … and I’ve used up 90% of my WPAs between the hours of 1 and 3 a.m. this week. Not even joking.
And it wasn’t emotional eating either– I’d had a great day at work followed by a wonderful night with my husband that included a fab sweat session at the gym and awesome bonding when I got home. No troubles on these calm seas.
Hell, I even put a NO CHOICE sign on the fridge and my cabinet last night … but it didn’t stop me.
These night-time snacks (but no spitting — seven days strong!!) are totally sabatoging me in every way, yet when they’re happening, it’s as though I am out of control of my own body.
I know they are part of what is holding me back from my goal weight and happiness with my body. I hope to sleep through the night tonight …
How about you? Do you wake and eat? How do you stop? Locking the door hasn’t even helped me …
18 comments September 24, 2008
The Low-Down on Chewing-and-Spitting
So those of you following my blog know that chewing-and-spitting has been one of my two main disordered eating issues (along with midnight eating).
I know how gross it is, how sick it sounds, and how wrong it is. But many of us disordered eaters do it, I’m learning. And I’m not proud of it. It’s a waste of food, and a waste of the pleasure food can bring.
Fortunately, I’m working on it and making some progress. I am proud to say that I’ve been “sober” for six full days now, and it’s been hard at times, but I am coping.
As a good friend says, “I’m taking it one day at a time … “
In comments on a previous post, Lila shared this link that I think does an excellent job of explaining what chewing-and-spitting entails and why it’s so dangerous.
Here’s some highlights (direct quotes from Trisha Gura, PhD.’s blog)
What is it?
“Chewing and spitting out food is an old eating-disordered behavior only now coming to light. It’s the latest trend in eating disorders, not because the behavior is new, rather because the online community is rapidly passing around the secret. The mechanism is simple: a person who chews and spits puts food in his or her mouth, tastes it, chews it and then spits it out without swallowing in the hopes of getting some enjoyment out of food, while not having to suffer the weight-gain consequences.”
(more…)
18 comments September 23, 2008
