The Thin Veil of Secrecy
March 12, 2009
For the past three days, while sick, I’ve been chewing and spitting chocolate — not at home or at work where anyone could see me, but in my car. Alone.
Yup. Sick.
See, I’ve had to go to Target for various items and well, they have a good candy selection, one I can often walk by … but clearly not the past three days.
Reese’s Whips, Reese’s White Chocolate eggs, and Hershey’s Cookies and Cream bars were my vices of choice.
I’m fully aware it’s a compulsive behavior; I liken it to when I go shopping for clothes and tend to bring a ton of things to the dressing room, only to walk away with one or two items. But I don’t buy everything and throw it away, like I do with chocolate — these specific ones, in particular.
Buying anything with the intent to chew and spit is ridiculous, I know. Believe me, I know. Rationally, I know. But still, I’ve been doing it … almost as a rebellion for being sick, to “punish” my body for letting me down? Or maybe just my willpower is weak since it’s that time of the month.
I realize it’s a terrible waste of calories (I account for about 10% of what’s in each item).
I realize it’s disgusting. A nasty, gross habit. I’d never want anyone to see me doing it, which goes to show how secretive a habit it is.
And I realize it’s likely hindering any potential progress on the scale.
Yet I can’t always stop myself from doing it.
Ironically, I had had a good streak of not doing it, or even thinking about it.
In Mexico, I had a lot of stress that I won’t go into here (let’s just say my mother-in-law met us in Mexico and there were some … shall we say, difficult, moments).
But even there, I had only one incident, and it was something I honestly took a bite of and didn’t love and chose to discretely spit it into a napkin — which, in my mind, totally isn’t the same because I wasn’t ashamed of doing it or of anyone seeing me do it.
And in Mexico, like I shared earlier this week, I ate a delicious, huge slice of wedding cake … plus a hunk of hubbie’s, with no qualms!
So why am I wasting potential nutrition/calories that I need now, more than ever (being so sick) on chew-and-spits? I wish I knew.
The past three days have been just another pebble in the proverbial road. It’s frustrating because I seem to make progess in that the awareness is there. But the habit/behavior hasn’t changed 100%. Sigh …
And speaking of behavioral changes … I was supposed to see Dr. G. tonight for one of our last — if not final — sessions. But since I have my first Lia Sophia jewerly party, I needed to reschedule for next week.
I know I’m thinking differently about my food issues and anxiety than when I began therapy in July, but I don’t feel like I’ve made all the progress I could.
I also realize it comes from within; Dr. G. can’t stop me from the behaviors, but she has helped me change how I think about them (they’re anxiety-driven, they’re not all awful, I shouldn’t feel guilty for doing it).
All I know is, today’s a new day and I just need to vow not to buy the triggers, not to give into the compulsion. One day at a time.
How about you? In what areas of your life do you think you’re compulsive? How have you been able to tone the behavior down?
Entry Filed under: chewing and spitting. Tags: chew-and-spit.
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1.
Yasmin | March 12, 2009 at 1:01 am
Oh Liss (((hug))) I am sure this must be so frustrating for you. I also have times where I do something that I am ashamed of and with the full knowledge that I will not be happy about having done it, and for me as well a big part of therapy has been *trying* to learn to stop beating myself up over them. It is tough, but you are doing great, and this one tiny step back is nothing compared to all the leaps and bounds you have taken going forwards.
2.
jenngirl | March 12, 2009 at 7:17 am
I’m sorry you’re struggling right now. But there are always underlying reasons for our behavior. I kind of feel the way you do about my tendency to measure foods I don’t normally, or check calories of foods I’ve eaten a million times. This is my compulsive behavior, and I realize it serves no purpose than to decrease my rising anxiety about eating. I don’t NEED to do them though. I finally had to put my foot down and say, “look you’ve gone this long without measuring and checking, why do you need to do it?” And ED had no answer. I hope you start feeling better soon!
3.
fitforfree | March 12, 2009 at 8:31 am
I really relate to this post. I’ve been on a great streak of NOT compulsively overeating/undereating/overexercising, and that in itself has become a source of stress. I almost feel like I need to “break” the streak and disappoint myself now so I don’t do it down the road! Silly, I know. I tried to compromise by allowing myself as many “forbidden foods” as I wanted yesterday (in controlled amounts), so I don’t go running to those as soon as the compulsions return. Maybe the fact that you ate wedding cake w/ no qualms (AWESOME, by the way!!) is a source of stress for you, because it signifies change, and change is a scary thing!!!
Anyway, you’re awesome for being so honest about this on here—and that’s definitely a sign of progress that you should commend yourself for!
4.
lissa10279 | March 12, 2009 at 8:33 am
Thanks Yas, miss you girl! Exactly, that is what therapy’s helped me with, but I wish I could just nix the habit altogether. It’s not an every day thing but for the past three days it HAD been. Thank you.
Hey Jenn, yea, it’s so frustrating and I don’t know what the underlying reason was — I really think it was an “effyou” to my body, rebelling and wanting to just do whatever. But not today, I feel stronger today physically and I think that helps me mentally. Thanks, I’m on the mend … sitll can’t hear but have an ENT appt. tomororw at 1:30 — hope they can help me!
5.
lissa10279 | March 12, 2009 at 8:35 am
Aw thanks FitforFree, we seemed to cross paths. Maybe you’re on to something: I honestly felt ok about the cake. And maybe that scared me?! I dunno … I do know I’ve not been strong mentally all week — am physically weak and have been, so my willpower/sense of self has been down, my guard has been down. It could be a combo. Its a new day though! And thanks, I couldn’t blog if I weren’t 100% honest, you know? Then it wouldn’t be a tale of a (recovering) disordered eater. And I know my slip-ups make me human and relatable so I’ll keep sharing them as they arise. Not every single blip, but the biggies
6.
run4change | March 12, 2009 at 9:05 am
Sorry about the stress. It can realy bring up some stuff I know. I have been waking up at 2 am to eat this week. Crazay. Keep up the good work and posting about it is fantastic.
7.
Maggie | March 12, 2009 at 11:46 am
Honey, I hear you. I have been compulsively eating at night for absolutely NO reason at all… I was doing fine a few weeks ago, then it started up again one day and I’m having so much trouble getting back on track. Ugh. I cried to Bobby last night, “why can’t it just stop???” It makes me sad and depressed and lonely BUT reading your posts really give me motivation. You’re open and honest and YOU ROCK for eating that cake. I bet it was delicious. I want to be able to eat the things I really want during the day without worrying what I will binge on that night.
8.
lara | March 12, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Good for you for owning up to it and sharing. With disordered eating recovery there are always bumps in the road and one step forward, two steps back it seems. Can you continue for a while longer with Dr. G? A few more sessions migth be good for helping you to understand why you have been doing this again which could help prevent more in the future.
9.
Mara @ What's For Dinner? | March 12, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Good job coming clean about this… I don’t think it’s a rebellion for your body letting you down, but more that you are putting so much bodily energy into healing, so you’re lacking the energy to put into watching your eating behavior. Did that make ANY sense?? Hugs to you my dear!
10.
lissa10279 | March 12, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Thanks everyone, have had a good day today though, no chew-and-spits and none on the horizon. Feel stronger physically which I am sure helps. It could very well be that, Mara. And it’s not the eating that’s the problem — it seems to be the swallowing of the food when I know it’s not what I need at the moment, but enjoy the act of chewing. I feel like a girl that doesn’t want to “go all the way” (a binge) … if that makes sense. I guess I “tease” myself?
Thanks Maggie!
Just remember, one day at a time — and be thankful for the support in your hubby! The cake was SO delish!! Honestly, best ever. And I thought *our* wedding cake was amazing - this was just so, so different!
Jason, me too — but in my case, I know it’s b/c my dinners and meals have been lacking in protein and I’ve been eating empty carbs to help keep the antibiotics from hurting my stomach. And so I wake genuinely hungry, and go for .. carbs!
Lara, I dunno … I will see what she says when we meet next week. At this point, I kind of feel like it’s in my hands. I don’t think I’ll NEVER chew and spit again; sometimes I honestly enjoy doing it. But the rational me knows it’s a dirty, disgusting habit — one I wouldn’t want anyone to see me do, which shows how secretive it is.
11.
Sheena | March 13, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Hey sweetie!
I am sorry you are having a rough time. I know what it’s like when you know what you are doing is wrong but you cna’t help doing it. But binge eating gets to where it’s compulsive and then my purging can be the same way. Just try to hang in there and know that nothing and no one has control over you except yourself.
Take Care!
12.
Dori | March 14, 2009 at 8:41 am
I’m so sorry you are going through this right now — just remember that you have stopped before, you will stop again - hopefully for good. In related news, for the first time ever the other day I chewed and spit with my boyfriend sitting right next to me. I consider this my all time low and am determined not to let this happen again. We all have setbacks — and because you want so much to overcome yours, I am confident you will.
13.
yogiclarebear | March 14, 2009 at 1:17 pm
lissa just don’t beat yourself up over it, that will only exacerbate the negative behavior!
sometimes for me it can be a release if i do the compulsive behavior or addictive habit in front of someone else. if i just do it and be or act un-ashamed, it takes away the negative feeling and sometimes takes away the need to continue it.
i dont know if that makes sense…but anyways. take care, this too shall pass.
14.
mamaV | March 15, 2009 at 10:48 pm
Hi lissa: I know this habit has been a hard one to break for you- remember one slip up doesn’t put you back to square one. It sounds like you are already back on track.
If the core of this is anxiety, isn’t part of this also from restricting these sorts of foods from your diet program? Speaking from someone not on a diet (and a major anxiety freak), I think that if I was dieting, I would regularly do some sort of habit such as this purely because the pressure or self control to restrict these foods would become overwhelming. Is this even making sense?
Also, when you called this behavior “dirty and disgusting” it caught me off guard because I thought, man- its really not that bad! I see your Dr. says the same thing, you sure are hard on yourself you know?
Keep calm and carry on
mV
15.
lissa10279 | March 15, 2009 at 11:15 pm
You guys are the best, thanks! Dori, I haven’t had anyone see me do it (save for my mom once who saw the napkin but not me doing it at T-DaY) but I am sure that was a toughie for you!
Clare, that’s just it, sometimes it DOES feel so good to just do it!!
Hey MamaV! No, none of the foods I am doing this with are “off limits” — I’ve learned over the years not to ever truly restrict anything; I have foods I just am no longer interested in (french fries come to mind, can’t remember the last time I ordered them?! 5 years?) but it’s a sweets problem for me more than anything. But I do see what you mean, it’s just hard b/c one day that food (X) will be fine and the next I have to chew and spit with it. Ridiculous, I realize.
Well, dirty and disgusting b/c it’s crude. It’s gross. It’s not feminine or pretty and I wouldn’t want to be caught doing it. The secretiveness behind it is alluring.
Yup, def. hard on myself, and I’ve been more accepting but this is one area I don’t want to accept as part of my hardware, esp since it’s so relatively new (2-3 yrs?)
XOXO