Feelin’ the Burn & Finding Beauty in the Breakdown
March 3, 2009
Can we say, precious?!!
Last night, Cristi (my trainer) kicked the hell out of my triceps, chest, back and abs. We did super-sets and I am feeling it today. But I love it. Oooh, I love it.
When I am lifting, I feel strong, lean, in charge. I only think of what my body is capable of when I’m lifting, not what it lacks. I think of the musculature that is developing in time, of the tightening of my figure with each set, each rep. It’s therapeutic in a way.
I didn’t even do more cardio, even though I could have. I honestly knew my body had had enough and am proud I listened to it for once. (I really struggle with this).
She worked me to the core, and it felt damn good. I don’t know why I have been lifting so infrequently … I guess because I can zone out doing cardio, and can’t during strength training. And I guess because the calorie burn during cardio is so high … though I know the afterburn matters much more for lifting … and it’ll help increase my RMR. All good things.
So ignoring my past, I’m determined to get back to a three-days a week lifting schedule (and two days with cardio/abs; 1 day pure cardio, 1 day rest). I feel confident about it; we’re meeting again tonight and then I will have four days off in Mexico and then will be back at it the following week.
I realize sometimes my blog entries might come off as someone with split personalities, but in a way I do have two personalities when it comes to my approach to my body issues.
The desperate, anxious, depressed side that feels helpless … and the side that is taking positive steps to make good changes in her life.
Like Kristen said in the comments yesterday,
“I think in your stage of recovery, while you’re learning to deal with the mental and emotional aspect of disordered eating, your physical self is compensating. Meaning that while you spend this time to focus on the inner issues, the outward ones aren’t on the forefront and will fall by the wayside, waiting for you to balance out. And now that you have a better awareness of yourself - inside and outside - once you get back to where you’re most comfortable, you’ll be able to manage that better.”–Kristen
I really love the valuable insight you, my readers, bring to the proverbial table, and want you to know that.
Even if I can’t respond to every comment, please know I read them and analyze/ponder your words of wisdom, experience, advice, encouragement, etc. Your support is so greatly appreciated, and I hope you know you have my utmost support, as well.
Tomorrow we leave for Oaxaca so I won’t be blogging again probably until next Tuesday. We’ll be meeting my mother-in-law there, so I know how happy that will make my husband. We have last summer’s five-week jaunt behind us, and I’m looking ahead to the future.
In addition to that, there’s sun to look forward to, a wedding and fancy gowns, plus my pretty manicured/pedicured fingers and toes to show off.
I leave you with a stanza from a favorite song of mine from Frou Frou (heard on the Garden State soundtrack), “Let Go”…
…so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it’s so amazing here
it’s alright
’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown
Even in our recovery, there’s still beauty to be found. Let’s all find a little beauty today. And while we’re at it, let’s cheer to the burn, because there’s beauty in that, too.
How about you? What beauty can you find in today?
Entry Filed under: Mental Wellness, exercise. Tags: beauty in the breakdown, disordered eating, exercise, frou frou, lifting, strength training, super setting.
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1.
seeleelive | March 3, 2009 at 5:46 am
hey melissa! I am so excited for you right now. i have never had a phys. trainer, but i can imagine the rejuvination and positive thinking that you are feeling, things can ONLY go up from here…no?! i think its so profound of what your reader said, too. i wanted to share something with you: here is an amazing comment i received and turn to A LOT:
” I remember back in the dark days of dieting, I would always say to myself “I’ll get back on track tomorrow.” I mean, don’t we hear that all the time, in magazines, tv shows, whatever? “How to get back on track with your diet, your eating, your life” blah blah blah. This is such a dangerous, obsessive way of thinking, yet so many of us (myself included) think like this. So I got to thinking: I don’t think life is on a track at all! Life isn’t just one train on one train track. I think life is more like a mountain bike; it can go anywhere- hills, mountains, busy streets, sidewalks, dirt, gravel, etc etc. A mountain bike goes where the RIDER directs it. The rider and bike together go wherever the rider feels like going. When you’re on a train, you have no say over how fast or slow it goes, or how many stops it makes, or what track
it’s on. Life on a train is having ED as the conductor- Ed decides everything for you, and you just sit and let him take your precious moments away. But if we choose to get OFF the train and hop on a mountain bike, we can go ANYWHERE WE WANT! I hope you’re on your mountain bike,”
2.
seeleelive | March 3, 2009 at 5:49 am
today, i have found beaty that i was way out of my comfort zone today, i let go of ed, and tried to do things without a schedule and always feeling comfortable and “safe”..i stayed up late, i didnt have me time, i didnt really keep track of my food..i ate what i wanted….i didnt always plan meals…i didndt do homework…i just hung around with friends..i felt like what it was supposed to be like at nineteen with a controlling force inside. it scared me and i felt ao afraid and anxious, but i realized last night it was AMAZING.
3.
jenngirl | March 3, 2009 at 8:35 am
I love that Frou Frou song. And I think it’s absolutely true that we are split personalities when it comes to disordered behavior. Because, when it comes down to it, the disordered behavior is NOT who we are. Our true selves, my true “JENNY” is always fighting to come out on top of my ED…and it does more and more often nowadays. But I think it’s about choosing what we identify with and living THAT life, even if we struggle sometimes. Thank you for your thoughtful posts, and have a great trip!
4.
lissa10279 | March 3, 2009 at 9:00 am
Lee that’s a kick-ass analogy you were given and I love it!!! Mountain bike, huzzah!!
That is awesome you didn’t let ED control you and got out of your comfort zone, that really is a huge step. I hope to feel similarly on va-k.
Me too, Jenny. And being from Jersey … love the GS soundtrack
Exactly. Melissa isn’t just a disordered eater … but I all too often let it define me. I don’t WANT it to define me, however!
5.
Mara @ What's For Dinner? | March 3, 2009 at 11:41 am
I love the Garden State soundtrack… the beauty in today: I’m not going to let ridiculousness in some areas of my life define how the rest of the day goes. It’s a gorgeous day out… I’ll live it!
Have a blast on your trip, take TONS of pictures!!!
6.
Holly | March 3, 2009 at 1:03 pm
I LOVE that soundtrack, too! What a great song.
Today I’m finding beauty in the fact that I feel VERY energized today - without any caffeine. I feel very refreshed and I like it.
Enjoy your trip! You deserve it. I’m excited to hear all about it!
7.
Kristen | March 3, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Aww you quoted me! Thanks!! I just relate to you really well, haha. As I’m getting better mentally and emotionally, I’ve gained a few pounds that I’d like to shed too. It’s very easy to slip back into the diet & disordered mentality, but our lives are so much better without it. It’d be silly to fall back into that trap when we’re armed with the tools we need to be happy with all aspects of ourselves.
8.
lissa10279 | March 3, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Awesome, Holly!!! Thank you.
LOL Kristen, glad to hear it!! So true … it just takes using those tools.
9.
Sheena | March 3, 2009 at 5:47 pm
Hey!
I have had the same problems with weight training in letting it fall because of the calorie-burn during cardio. But this morning I decided it might be good to mix things up so i did some strength work for the first time in months.
I think I might try subbing a couple of my cardio workouts each week with circuit training/strength workouts to get my muscles toned and strong.
Anyways, I hope your trip goes well. Take care sweetie!
10.
Baylez | March 3, 2009 at 9:49 pm
have a BLAST in mexico - its your vacation - just have fun & relax!!! the real world will be waiting for you when you get back..unfortunately!
i definately agree with the lifting/cardio thing. I feel like cardio does so much more for me because I can instantly see visual numbers on the machine. But I can feel physical changes almost instantly from lifting!
11.
lissa10279 | March 3, 2009 at 10:19 pm
Hi Sheena and Baylez, thanks girls!! Good job mixing it up, Sheena! We just did abs today but holy crap she hurt me
Meeting again Tuesday for my last session and then one more for a wrap-up..then in 8 weeks, we meet again.
12.
fortheloveoftea | March 4, 2009 at 10:25 am
Hope you have a wonderful time on your trip.