Facing Reality
March 1, 2009
One of the positives about always being heavy is you never really “gain weight” — you just are always “big.” There’s no yo-yoing, no four sizes of clothes in your closet that all could fit on a day’s notice.
I’ve never experienced the whole “tight clothes dilemma” … or needing to buy new things … until now. Now my body dysmorphia (when I lost weight and was “thin” and still thought I was fat) has turned into full fledged reality; no, I don’t mean to imply I’m fat, but I’m uncomfortably chunky at the moment.
Over the past two years or so, sure, I’ve had to move certain things to the back of my closet; even skinny people experience this from time to time. (Those white capris from the summer of 2005, for example. At my thinnest, they fit perfectly but now? HA.)
But for the most part, I have been able to wear almost everything I used to wear. Until now.
Unfortunately, literally nothing is fitting me right at the moment … It’s not just in my head now — the scale is up, my clothes are tight, my rings are right, my face is puffy, and I’m going to Mexico in three days a good ten pounds above where I wanted to be, which is a good thirteen or fourteen above where I am most comfortable (incidentally, the weight range the trainer’s RMR test showed me as my goal).
Trying on clothes for this trip tonight was awful and nearly had me in tears. All my capris were tight, and even my skirts were tight! Skirts! My waist has always been my best asset … and now? It’s thick and none of my skirts laid right. They zipped, sure, but tight as hell and I can only bring one denim skirt with me; the khaki one that was always loose, I have to leave behind until another day.
I couldn’t believe it. Didn’t want to believe it, but the evidence is there, plain as day.
My husband walked in and asked what was wrong. He tried to console me by saying I’m getting older and it’s natural that things won’t necessarily fit at 29 the way they did at 25 … I know he means well, and he thinks I am beautiful and have a great figure.
But I hated that answer, and made that quite clear to him. There’s no reason why I can’t at least feel comfortable in my own skin, and I don’t at the moment. Not even close.
The anxious me just wants the weight to go the hell away. But I know that life doesn’t work that way, and just like I had to chip away at weight five years ago, it looks like I have no choice but to go it again.
No matter how hard I exercise, I am still eating too much to lose, or not eating the right things, or have been doing this so long that it’s simply not working. I’ve not been eating as clean as I could, and it’s showing.
And I don’t want to go into restrictive mode … some crazy “diet” — no, thanks, not going down that path. I’ve already shared here I’ve never starved myself or binged and purged and believe me, that isn’t about to start now.
I also know I need to be particularly careful; I am coming at this from a disordered eating perspective now, not just a high-on-losing gal trying to lose weight.
So I’ve decided tonight that I’m going to try to focus on the positive.
1) I’m seeing a trainer now (we have a session tonight and another one tomorrow — then one more when I get back). She wants me to cut down on cardio, lift more, and eat less. I think I can do those things; I know I can.
2) I know what I’m doing wrong; I just haven’t wanted to admit it. It’s part of that “entitlement” factor.
3) I have the willpower to take the steps to do this all over again, five years later.
It sucks to face the music, but there’s no denying it. Since blogging and trying to recover from disordered eating issues this past summer, I’ve gained about ten pounds. Talk about ironic. And it’s showing in so many ways.
I’ve just never felt this uncomfortable in my own skin … not even at my heaviest. Honest. I think that’s because back then, I accepted my figure as it was. And when I chisled away at it — something I didn’t think was even possible — I developed a new appreciation for it, a profound love for my new shape.
Now, once again, I’m struggling with body acceptance … because I know my potential, and I’m not getting there. Sometimes I think I try too hard and if I just let it be, I’d be ok and lose again. But I also know I lost being diligent … and that hasn’t changed … but I am still gaining.
I remember a while ago I said I would stop trying to lose weight if I didn’t make my goal before Mexico. Well, folks, I have to take that back … at the very least, I need to get back to where I was then; which is plenty more than I am now.
I know I can do it, it’s just feeling monumental at the moment, not how I want to be feeling before vacation. I am going to make a concerted effort to steer clear of Diet Coke (which bloats me) and sugar (and no, I don’t do much of the fake stuff and am not about to start now) for the next couple of days; it won’t make a dent on the scale, but will make me feel better. And maybe I can keep it up!
Anyway, thanks for your support, through thick and thin, literally. I know this is my blog about disordered eating, but this is what is honestly plaguing me at the moment. If I can’t speak the truth here, where can I speak it!?
Just know that I won’t give up. Struggling — yes. But giving up? No; that’s not in my DNA.
I’m looking forward to our trip, being in Mexico together (we’re also meeting my mother-in-law there) and to my new dress. Those are things to look forward to, for sure.
Entry Filed under: Body Image/Body Dysmorphia, eating disorders. Tags: disordered eating, Body Image, gaining weight, body image issues.
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1.
marafaye | March 1, 2009 at 8:07 pm
I know exactly how you’re feeling.. I’ve been there multiple times. You know what to do and how to do it healthfully… and you’re going to go be in Mexico where its WARM! Enjoy the experience!
2.
inmytummy | March 1, 2009 at 8:10 pm
Im there with you right now. It’s hard, but I think we both can do it. I think that working with a trainer is going to be a huge help for you.
3.
kilax | March 1, 2009 at 8:16 pm
It makes sense that you don’t feel comfortable at this weight, after how hard you worked to get to your bottom weight, and all the struggles you’ve had. YOU KNOW how to get back on track and you are already on that track! Relax when you are in Mexico. Have the great time you deserve.
4.
lissa10279 | March 1, 2009 at 9:10 pm
Thanks so much ladies. I appreciate the encouragement. And don’t worry, I’m not aiming for my bottom weight — clearly that was too low for me. But about 5-7 above that is where I am comfortable … I hope all these steps (emotionally, mentally, physically) I am taking will help get me there.
5.
Maggie | March 1, 2009 at 9:49 pm
Good luck! And best wishes for your trip. You CAN get what you want, I know it
6.
Dori | March 1, 2009 at 10:40 pm
Beautifully written as always. You’re working hard with the trainer and I do believe you will get back on track.
Once again, I feel like you described me: “I’ve just never felt this uncomfortable in my own skin … not even at my heaviest. Honest. I think that’s because back then, I accepted my figure as it was.”
As you know I am trying to get back to where I am comfortable too in the healthiest way possible and doing everything to overcome self hatred and trying to learn acceptance. it is hard but I do have to say you are very lucky to have a husband who thinks you are beautiful right now and loves you. That kind of support is amazing and something you need to hear. I understand exactly what it is like to not feel comfortable in your own skin though, and I know you will get there.
7.
sara | March 2, 2009 at 12:54 am
We are seriously on the Exact Same Page right now!
Thank you so much for being so honest and sharing your experience; it makes me feel inspired and NOT ALONE.
I believe that we can all find that spot; not where we were before (since that also led me to some very unhealthy behaviors) but where we need to be Right Now.
I believe in us!
8.
Kristen | March 2, 2009 at 9:31 am
I’m in a similar place right now. I’m about 10 lbs higher than where I’d like to be, but it’s so hard buckling down and adhering to the good health rules and guidelines. We know how to get to where we want to be, it’s just so much WORK sometimes. I think in your stage of recovery, while you’re learning to deal with the mental and emotional aspect of disordered eating, your physical self is compensating. Meaning that while you spend this time to focus on the inner issues, the outward ones aren’t on the forefront and will fall by the wayside, waiting for you to balance out.
And now that you have a better awareness of yourself - inside and outside - once you get back to where you’re most comfortable, you’ll be able to manage that better. I’m still balancing out, and it sucks sometimes. Think of where you were this time last year, not physically, but mentally. When everything’s ready, it will fall into place where it should be!
9.
Melissa | March 2, 2009 at 9:37 am
It sounds cliche but I am also in the same position. I am up in weight/size where I am not at all comfortable–even the comfy clothes aren’t comfy and that’s scary! I am over 10 lbs where I feel just perfect (for me, that’s a size 6/8) My worry is that this reality slap won’t help–I’ve been on some sort of eating everything binge for far too long and it needs to stop. I know it will but every day feels like it’s not going to be today.
I understand, too, about going on vacation when you don’t feel right in your body. I went to Italy even heavier than I am now and, frankly, it’s hard to look at the photos and remember how unhappy I was at the time even though it was a good trip, overall–I was just so angry at myself for not getting my act together or at least buying clothes for the trip that FIT!
10.
auntie | March 2, 2009 at 11:58 am
i’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling so much at a time when you should be totally excited about your trip. just refocus on doing the best you can every day, every moment, and hopefully you’ll be able to relax and enjoy your time in mexico!
11.
lissa10279 | March 2, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Thanks so much for all the support, ladies. I am pretty sure this self-loathing is also tied to my monthly cycle (I’m due next week).
Kristen, what you said here really hit home: “And now that you have a better awareness of yourself - inside and outside - once you get back to where you’re most comfortable, you’ll be able to manage that better.” I hope you’re right!
Melissa, I know what you mean, I am just going to wear the clothes that DO fit instead of trying to squeeze myself into things I wore 15 lbs ago and 5 years ago.
12.
Lara | March 2, 2009 at 2:28 pm
I can relate on many levels…. I went to Mexico in October and was 20 lbs above my comfort zone after a summer of compulsive eating. I didn’t have a lot of extra money to spend on new clothes so went to Target, Old Navy etc to pick up a few cheaper things that actually fit and that made me feel a bit better. hated buying the bigger size but you look so much better in properly fitting clothes and I find that helps you feel better about yourself. Tighter clothes are constant reminder about the weight gain and while some might find that motivating, it just makes me feel bad. I was also dreading the bathing suit in Mexico but when I got there I was fine, there were bodies of all shapes and sizes on the beach. Don’t let the weight issue take away from your vacation. Don’t give it that power.
I like the advice the trainer has given you. Less cardio, more weights, and less food (just not TOO low I hope) You just started this new regime with her and you know it can take 4+ weeks to really see changes so as hard as I know it is, just hang in there.
13.
lissa10279 | March 2, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Thanks Lara and so true. I look better in clothes I feel better in, for sure, so I’ll only bring the things that fit and I feel good in. No bikini worries; Oaxaca isn’t coastal and even if the hotel has a pool, we won’t have any time (we’re going for a wedding). It’s so true though — bodies DO come in all shapes and sizes.
Thanks, we haven’t really started the regimen yet…only had on session. And I’ve not stuck to the more protein, less carbs, less cardio, more weights quite yet to be honest. I’ve kept it in mind, but I’m still eating too much to lose, not eating enough protein, eating too many carbs and doing too much cardio. Though I DID lift Sat. (a shortened version of the legs circuit she made for me)
I will hit it all up when I get back, though …. I need to, for me.
14.
lissa10279 | March 2, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Once I have my final session when I get back, I’ll be starting the initial 4-weeks of giving it a go; this is just the prepping of it. Then we’ll meet again in 8 weeks to see results.
15.
Michelle | March 2, 2009 at 9:36 pm
Hi! I have been reading your blog for a few months. This entry is EXACTLY how I am feeling right now. I am up 5 lbs from my comfort zone and nothing I am doing to get back is working. I hope you break through with training! Have fun in Mexico!
16.
lissa10279 | March 3, 2009 at 8:44 am
Thanks Michelle, it sounds like so many of us are in this same situation and I’m sure some of it is “winter weight.”
17.
fitforfree | March 6, 2009 at 9:58 am
I gained weight when I started my blog, too! haha. It’s finally coming off, though. I think part of the “healing process” can involve weight gain, so when we lose it a second time we know it’s for good. At least, that’s where I’m at right now. I think I had to let go a little to rebuild in a more positive way. Have a wonderful trip, and try not to let the weight gain get in the way of having a wonderful time!!!
18.
Yasmin | March 8, 2009 at 11:23 pm
Oh Liss, I have so been there! My weight has slowly been creeping back up recently and numbers that used to thrill me now put me in a funk for the rest of the day. Your plan sounds like a good one - I may have to “borrow” it! And more importantly, learn to love myself no matter what the number on the scale says…