Tales of a (Recovering) Disordered Eater

Thanksgiving 2007 table; not an every-day setting but pretty and inviting, right?

But I am a firm believer in planning — and am pretty darn good at it.

In fact, my ability to make a plan and stick to it is one of the “plusses” of being an anxious person, Dr. G. tells me.

It’s why I excelled at school, always turn work assignments in on time, and am rarely late, and usually know where I want to be in a week, a month, a year, and beyond.

It’s also how I lost weight so easily five years ago: I had a plan, and didn’t stray. I can attribute it to why I am so easily and naturally disciplined about my fitness regimen.

And, going outside the food/weight realm, it’s also probably why I’ve never gotten involved in drugs and didn’t hook up in my teens; I dated.

I was straight as an arrow, and damn proud of it … and I never really rebelled in college, though I’m sure I could have gone down that path had I not been so fearful of failure or disappointing myself or my family.

Yes, sometimes this planning/structured mode I exist in means I miss the forest for the trees, and maybe I’m not spontaneous and as fun/flexible as I could be …

But for the most part, this side of my personality can be a big plus and Dr. G. wants me to see it that way; that my anxiety isn’t a crutch or an impediment but rather a “gift” — an attribute on which I ought to capitalize.

Since it’s not hard (and honestly doesn’t feel restrictive) for someone like me to live within the boundaries of structure –and, in fact, it makes me comfortable to have said structure — making plans and existing among parameters benefits someone like me with not only anxiety disorder but also OCD tendencies.

And so, as we talked about in my therapy session last Tuesday night, I ought to use it to my advantage — to capitalize on my anxiety.

It wasn’t exactly what I thought I’d hear from a shrink — but knowing how things have gone thus far, I’m actually not too surprised: she wants me to be empowered; it’s part of her role in my therapy. Capitalizing on a strength is, indeed, empowering — and setting out to do something is, for someone like me, usually a mission accomplished.

(Truthfully, I’d say 99% of the time that I have set out to do something, I have accomplished it. The other 1% was usually something out of my control (like not going to Israel when I was supposed to go back in Dec. 2000; I was part of a fellowship and was all set to go, but the second infantada broke out and my parents didn’t want me going over there when things were so bad).

Anyway, following an exercise with Dr. G., we agreed that two of the biggest disordered eating behaviors I face (chewing-and-spitting and midnight eating) could both be avoided if I used my anxiety to my advantage and set boundaries/structures for where I will eat. Changing one small behavior — creating one little rule — she said, could help retrain my brain to not connect food with certain locations.

We concluded that if I made a rule that I will only eat seated at a table … I would lessen and eventually cut out both my chew-and-spit habit (which happens in my car, at my desk at work sometimes or at home at the trash can) and waking and eating while standing at my cabinet (which sometimes has led to a chew-and-spit incident).

Though I promise I am a human and eat all my meals at a table or desk, these disordered eating incidents have never — I repeat never — occured at a table. Naturally, they’ve occured everywhere else.

Which means where I allow myself to eat is part of the problem. Previously, so long as it was within my Points it was considered “ok” in my head. But there’s something to be said for being seated when eating … it’s common sense and something I ought to be doing way more often!

Therefore, by creating a rule (because, as an anxious person I thrive off rules) — a rule that I’ll only eat when seated at a table — it’ll mean food is only available to me in the kitchen/dining room/restaurant. Not available anywhere, anytime, the way it so ridiculously is here in America.

It’ll mean I am focusing on my food in front of me and making an experience (in Why French Women Don’t Get Fat, the author is a huge proponent of dining at a table and making every meal and morsel memorable. To me that’s a big “duh,” but again, it’s only the disordered habits that occur when standing up, or in odd places).

This will mean if I wake at 2 a.m. and need a snack, it’s not the end of the world. But I’ll need to prepare a (measured, of course) cup of cereal and eat it at the table, not standing at the counter while reading the newspaper or logging my points.

And if I want some animal crackers or grapes (snacks I reach for at 2 a.m. when I’ve woken), I’ll put them in a bowl and sit down on the couch or at the table. Even alone at 2 a.m.

If I am eating at my desk at work, I won’t be e-mailing and multi-tasking in four Word documents. She even suggested bringing a little placemat for me to dine on so it makes my meal feel special and separate from work.

Now these don’t sound like big rules, but I’ve already broken them several times since Tuesday’s session. The difference is, already I’ve thought about it each time it’s happened and almost caught myself.

I am looking forward to seeing how I do over the next week with this new outlook about where I’ll eat. Who knows, maybe it’ll be just the fuel I need to make real progress on the scale again?

I thrived off boundaries and rules before and I believe I can do it again. After all, at the very least, I have a pretty solid track record to fall back on … and so to me, it’s well worth the shot.

How about you? Do you prefer rules and restrictions? Or do they make you nuts? Do you have rules about where you will/won’t eat?