A Cookie Monster Moment
November 3, 2008
Well, I’ve been feeling awesome.
So awesome, in fact, that I had lost track of how many days it’s been since I had chewed-and-spit … all I know is that the last time was early-to-mid-September.
And, like anyone in a recovery program (mine being self-created) it’s natural to fall back into old ways on occasion. I’ve reframed it in my mind that it’s not a crime, so long as it doesn’t become a habit.
In fact, I debated even sharing this story — I don’t owe it to anyone, but myself.
But, wanting to live authentically and being the open person I am — and given the fact that this information might be a gift to someone who reads this blog (seeing that, even though I’m trying, no one is perfect), I figured keeping this tale private would hurt no one but me.
I had a wonderful weekend — ate well, exercised, relaxed, had fun with my husband and with my friends.
Saturday we were going to a friend’s dinner party and, knowing that for religious reasons the couple doesn’t drink, I opted to bake Tollhouse chocolate chip cookie bars for them.
I chose these deliberately because I am not a huge cookie fan, and didn’t think I’d be tempted (and because most people eat this kind of cookie).
Ironically enough, one of the foods I’ve chewed-and-spit in the past (with great frequency) has been cookies I’ve just made … probably because they smell so damn good, but the taste has never really been “my thing” where I’d say “No, I shouldn’t have these around.”
Well, I prepped the ingredients, not even licking the bowl — not even tempted.
But when they came out of the oven, they were soooo gooey and irresistable. Seriously, like gushing chocolate gooeyness to the point where I just had to taste the fruit of my labor.
So, like any good Weight Watcher — almost in her fifth year of being “OP” (or, “on program”) — I ate a generous corner of a smushed one that couldn’t be served, docked myself two points and thought that’d be it. I felt satisfied, and I certainly had the points for it (I reset weekly on Fridays).
Yet as I was packing them into a nice tin to give our friends, I found myself WANTING the leftover cookies (about 10 didn’t fit into the tin). Like a compelling urge. Probably what normal people experience — a “craving” — to which they give in and from which they move on immediately after without a second thought.
It wasn’t emotional eating (sadness, joy, anger, frustration) or even mindless eating … it fact, it was none of the anxious urges I can usually pinpoint now. It was just a human desire … I was happy, baking cookies, and wanted one. No harm in that.
But I’m still a disordered eater at heart. And so I judged myself for the craving (mistake #1).
So I took one, and then immediately felt regret. Why? Because I had eaten one, and savored it. In my mind was what Dr. G. would call an irrational thought: “Why did I need more?”
I didn’t want to swallow it. So I spit it out. (mistake #2) I know what you’re thinking … here she goes again, down that ugly path.
But no, one or two spits did not turn into a weekend or a lifetime of it.
I put them in the freezer where, all weekend, I proceeded to take a nibble out of each cookie, docked myself for it, and then finally chucked the remaining cookies because, frankly, I didn’t want to be tempted by them.
But more importantly, I didn’t want to chew-and-spit. I didn’t want to go down that regular path again.
Since my husband doesn’t love chocolate chip cookies anyway (sugar cookies are his favorite, especially my friend Emily’s sugar cookie recipe!) I didn’t feel too guilty about being so wasteful (though I do realize how horribly wasteful this is; I could have given them out to sweets-loving friends, brought them to hungry co-workers at the office …)
It’s just that having them so accessible simply wasn’t “ok” for me in that moment. They were better served in the trash because they were so clearly a trigger. And I needed to separate myself from the situation, ridiculous as it might sound.
But here’s the good news, the redeeming quality to this whole near-debacle.
You see, I don’t consider myself a failure even though my “chew-and-spit sobriety” streak has ended. Given that this was my first incident in … over 50 days (since 9/11/08, I think that was when my pledge began?), I think I’m still doing really well.
So as of Sunday, I started over with a new streak. This one incident didn’t impact my whole weekend or set me off, so I consider that tremendous progress. I’m 2 days sober, making it 3.
After all, I’m seeking improvement and acceptance, not perfection.
How about you? How do you handle a set-back?
Entry Filed under: Binge Eating, Food, chewing and spitting. Tags: chew-and-spit, living authentically, seeking improvement not perfection, Tollhouse cookies.
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1.
Maggie | November 3, 2008 at 1:14 am
You are doing awesome
Keep it up!
I try to handle a set-back immediately - not saying that tomorrow is a clean slate, but saying that right now, this very minute, this very second, is a chance to start over.
2.
Pamela | November 3, 2008 at 4:24 am
I think you should be extremely proud of yourself! I know I’m proud of you. I think that you have come to some amazing and incredibly important realizations in your life and are an inspiration. I think that’s one of the most important things I’ve learned in my weight loss journey - that one fall off the wagon doesn’t make me a complete failure. I used to be an all or nothing kind of girl.
3.
Holly | November 3, 2008 at 9:39 am
I had a “falling off the wagon” weekend, too. It’s so hard….I just wish there was an easy solution to this. I feel like so many people struggle with various things/addictions, and I myself just haven’t found an effective way to “start over” without that horrible guilt.
I LOVE Maggie’s idea about taking that exact moment to start over. Too many times I decide to wait until the next day, and I consider that day already “ruined.” But I need to seize the moment, I suppose.
The good news, as you said, is that you didn’t let it ruin your weekend….that is definitely progress! And you have 2 days sober, I have one…we can do it again!
4.
suzanne | November 3, 2008 at 10:05 am
You are not just doing well you are doing great!!
5.
lissa10279 | November 3, 2008 at 10:19 am
Thanks so much, Maggie! Adding insult to injury, I also had a midnight incident last night!! Oy vey! But, it’s ok — a new day.
A clean slate.
Thanks Pamela!
It is hard, Holly, I totally agree. Sorry you had a tough weekend but today’s a clean slate. Tabula rosa
Thanks, Suzanne!
6.
seeleelive | November 3, 2008 at 11:09 am
I am so happy that you shared this. I was really looking forward to reading this post after last night’s email you sent me! Congratulations, Melissa! The thing that really *stood out* for me was when you say your judged yourself after being tempted. I can relate to this on so many levels, and 1/2 the time I am not even aware of this! I think just the fact that you were aware is a victory in itself. You better be damn proud, girl!
I had a slip 3 months after treatment, began restricting and fell below my weight range. For about 2 months I kept putting it off and denied it to myself. Now that I am in college, I made a vow to get back into my weight range so I could get the most out of it. I did it on my own here, and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I didn’t have a doctor or a therapist right down the hall like I did at treatment. But I make sure to give myself a huge pat on the back-it is so healing.
Thanks again.
7.
lissa10279 | November 3, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Thanks, Lee!! Yea, I did “judge myself” but that was the turning point — I didn’t let it ruin me and you won’t either.
Being aware IS half the battle. Good for you with those pats on the back. We all need them 
8.
auntie | November 3, 2008 at 2:08 pm
I still handle setbacks as sort of a 50/50 split - sometimes I am able to catch myself and get rid of whatever the temptation is, and sometimes I don’t do anything about it until the next day (or the next one, or…).
I was totally able to relate to what you said about enjoying one cookie and then feeling guilty about it (even though I’ve never done the chew-and-spit thing), and then feeling guilty AGAIN about throwing something away (what about all those starving children in Africa??). Honestly, I think the “waste” of some flour, sugar, and chocolate chips is a drop in the bucket compared to how much better you feel when the temptation is removed (and thrown in the garbage).
I think you did great!!
9.
Sheena | November 3, 2008 at 6:26 pm
Along with you, my weekend wasn’t my proudest moment. I ate a bag (8 servings) of candy corn, which I really don’t even like that much on Saturday. Then I spit some of it up. Then I limited what I ate that day, so all else I had was a baked potato, a whole wheat tortilla, a few beans and some hummus. And I slept nearly all weekend except for about an horu-and-a-half of working out.
I know it wasn’t my best weekend. After Saturday I told myself sunday I would be active and up and healthy, but that didn’t happen. I just feel like sleeping is the easiest thing lately. I can avoid thinking and food and work.
Hopefully this week will go better.
I actually have my first appointment with a professional counselor on Wednesday so we will see how that goes.
10.
lissa10279 | November 3, 2008 at 9:46 pm
I love your logic, Auntie — so true!!
“Honestly, I think the “waste” of some flour, sugar, and chocolate chips is a drop in the bucket compared to how much better you feel when the temptation is removed (and thrown in the garbage).”
Sheena, I am glad to hear you’re going to see someone tomorrow. It seems like you’re feeling very all-or-nothing and sometimes that’s what triggers incidents. Best of luck on Wed. — will be thinking of you.