Archive for March, 2009
Owning It; Living It
I really gave the words my friends and family shared with me last week a lot of thought this weekend. Knowing how much they all care really means a lot, and I think in a way I needed the push.
With time to process it, and also time away from work and the daily grind, I found myself surprisingly not dwelling on it or analyzing everything to death, but rather on just “being” and going along for the ride and seeing where it took me.
Typically, on Saturdays, my husband and I both do our morning exercise (running or biking together in non-frigid weather; or racquetball for him at the Y/the gym for me the rest of the time) and then clean the house, eat, do yard-work or whatnot.
But right now, he’s doing this 6-week Sat. class to earn 1.5 credits towards his MBA (which he’s doing part-time in the evening MBA program at Univ of Mich.), and so I have all morning til about 2 on my own for the next few Saturdays.
So I decided to go against the grain (being a creature of habit, this was big) and instead of rushing to get that workout in first-thing like I usually do, I let myself sleep til 9 (though I did feel him kiss me goodbye at 7 when he left for class!) and began massive cleaning, organizing all my new Lia Sophia business materials. (more…)
10 comments March 23, 2009
When Walking Away Works
Recently I read about a fellow blogger’s experience with anxiety, following hearing a skinny friend moaning about her weight, and it really hit home.
I bet many of us have had similar experiences in the past: the skinny friend ordering the salad and bemoaning everyone else ordering fries when SHE wants fries; the girl who brags about how many miles she ran and justifies why she’s eating such-and-such (as though anyone gives a darn) …
And perhaps there would have been a time where I was either a part of that situation … either dwelling on the problem, or commiserating about a solution.
But I’ve noticed over the past few months that I’ve deliberately and fully extracted myself from conversations about weight (more…)
11 comments March 23, 2009
SelfExpression
I’m always been an avid SELF reader and today at the gym I read an article, “Getting a Grip” in the new April issue that seemed to be written for me at this exact moment. Funny how that works, right?!
I can’t find the article online — grrrr. But I hope you can get a copy yourself, or maybe Monday I’ll try to scan it and post it — it’s a worthy read.
I’m not going to analyze it here — I welcome you to read it on your own and process it. It’s tennis star Monica Seles’ journey to realize that the ball is, indeed, in our own court. It’s well-written and really hammers home the message that we ARE in control of our own destinies.
I’ve had four days now of just feeling good. Empowered. And I hope the streak continues, because I believe it can.
8 comments March 21, 2009
More Food For Thought
“If you don’t learn to master your rage, your rage will become your master….”
I can’t take credit for this quote; my brother shared it via e-mail with me this morning, and I just had to share it here because I think it speaks volumes.
Apparently this (to quote my bro) “seemingly intelligent quote is nothing more than a ridiculous quote I learned from the Ben Stiller movie, Mystery Men.”
He suggested just trying replacing the word “rage” with anything I want and make my own sense of it, and encouraged me to give it a shot. (more…)
2 comments March 20, 2009
From Guilt to Pride
Coming off the heels of my last therapy session last night (at least for now) I had a pretty powerful conversation with my younger brother Thursday night, who lives in California.
He doesn’t read my blog, but he knows what has been going on, and he’s been concerned.
The last time we spoke about chewing and spitting a couple months ago, I’d gone three weeks without doing it, which was a pretty good streak.
And so he was surprised to hear from my sister that I still sometimes did it. He knew of the conversation I’d had with her earlier this week (which instigated the “to blog or not to blog” post) and so when he called, he expressed concern.
We talked for a long time — I’m super-close with my siblings, so this isn’t abnormal — and one of the things that he said really hit home.
He asked how I feel after I chew and spit, and I told the truth. I said usually, I feel guilty because it’s such a gross behavior. But sometimes, I acknowledged, it feels good.
He asked if, knowing how bad it often makes me feel most of the time, I could just not buy the candy bar at all, especially if I bought it solely with the intent to spit.
Since I’d shared with him how c/s is my “rebellion,” he suggested maybe then I’d be able to “rebel” against chewing and spitting it, since I fully agreed it’s an unhealthy and gross habit. (more…)
10 comments March 20, 2009
To Blog or Not to Blog …
I have to admit, it was very good for me to take a whole day off from obsessing about disordered eating: emailing, blogging, talking … I nixed it all.
Even my friends I usually speak openly about this stuff with, I had to back off. And it was good. I didn’t chew/spit, didn’t overeat, didn’t over-exercise … just “was,” and it felt nice.
I thought long and hard about this, took into account what all of you shared (online or offline) and it means a ton to me to know how much support there is out there.
The thing is, I love to write, and so I am ready to be back, but perhaps on different terms. What I mean is, I might not write every day, five nights a week like I have been, but I am not going to stop Tales; life doesn’t stop and therefore my blog — a form of art imitating life — … shouldn’t stop, either.
Unless it’s what I want. (more…)
5 comments March 19, 2009
… Now What?
I’ve been asked lately by several people if my blogging about my disordered eating issues is really helping me, or hurting me.
Every so often this conversation arises, and the more time that passes, the harder it gets to answer because I, myself, question this very notion.
Some days I am so sure I am doing the right thing here — sharing my experiences, offering a sounding board for others who are experiencing similar challenges, creating a community for like-minded people who also want to recover/get better.
But then other days I feel like I am just going in circles, not making progress, just rehashing the same scenarios time and time again as they occur.
In fact, I often wonder if I am hindering my own growth potential when I spend time in the weeds instead of in the field … or possibly hindering someone else’s when all they read about is my set-backs.
The truth is, I am at a tipping point. Ultimately, the only person who can decide if it’s helping is me. I feel a strong sense of ownership in that I love to write and maintain my blog, and the topic is clearly something I am passionate about. (more…)
11 comments March 18, 2009
To Be Womanly Always, Discouraged Never
The title I chose for this blog post is a line from the my sorority’s symphony. (Chi Omega)
I have a copy hanging at my office at work, and often will look up to the words — dated from 1904 — when I am feeling down.
These are the words that, without realizing it at the time, really defined my college experience and, ultimately, have shaped me into the woman I am today. (more…)
5 comments March 18, 2009
Chewing and Spitting & “The Bases”
You probably remember “the bases” from middle school and high school. You know: the locker-room gossip about how far someone would go sexually.
Well, I’m about to make a kind of crazy, provocative analogy that I truly hope won’t offend anyone, but it’s one that I’ve been thinking in my head for a long time now … and only now, do I feel comfortable enough to share it here with you, my readers.
One of the questions Dr. G. asked me (when I initially started therapy and we were talking about anxiety and my perfectionist tendencies) was how things are in the bedroom for me –am I able to “let go” and enjoy sex/intimacy.
I was kind of surprised, because I certainly wasn’t seeking therapy for marital problems or sexual problems of any kind.
But I guess when she heard so much about my tendencies to restrict certain foods at certain times, over-exercise, obsessive calorie-counting, negative body image etc., chewing and spitting — i.e., my tendency not handle such things in moderation — she was concerned perhaps those tendencies also flowed into my personal life (read as, sex life). (more…)
16 comments March 17, 2009
Creature of Habit
I am suuuuch a creature of habit … and between traveling last week and then being sick this past week, it’s been a tough couple of weeks for me physically, mentally and emotionally — being all over the place and nowhere at once.
It’s past midnight as I ‘m blogging now, and we just got back from Chicago — dropping our friend off after a wonderful weekend — and so I need to be smart and hit the hay, but I hope to write tomorrow.
I have a clean, productive week planned and, being the creature of habit that I am, I’m looking forward to being in control of my days and nights and of making the most of my waking hours.
I have my breakfast and lunch packed (as well as my hubby’s!) and I have the trainer at 5:30 tonight so I’m really looking forward to getting back into my routines.
I know the physical break was nice but I gotta say, it felt mighty good to work out this weekend and be active, in general.
With a clear head, a clear conscience, and a clear sense of foresight for the week, I’m off to bed.
Sorry for the short post; this has just been a tough thing for me to do lately — and it’s something I love to do!! But sometimes there’s just nothing of relevance to say and even if there were, sleep comes first!
Oftentimes, I wish I could just blog full time, but I have to keep it to a nightly activity since I do have a real job!
Have a great week, dear readers!
3 comments March 15, 2009
