When Walking Away Works
March 23, 2009
Recently I read about a fellow blogger’s experience with anxiety, following hearing a skinny friend moaning about her weight, and it really hit home.
I bet many of us have had similar experiences in the past: the skinny friend ordering the salad and bemoaning everyone else ordering fries when SHE wants fries; the girl who brags about how many miles she ran and justifies why she’s eating such-and-such (as though anyone gives a darn) …
And perhaps there would have been a time where I was either a part of that situation … either dwelling on the problem, or commiserating about a solution.
But I’ve noticed over the past few months that I’ve deliberately and fully extracted myself from conversations about weight — which is ironic since my whole office, in particular, is on a health-kick (and has actually been a positive thing for so many people — trainers, changing food habits, etc).
Most recently it happened at a gathering where a bunch of us were in a circle and the conversation turned to some of their diets and “cheating” (probably because we were surrounded with goodies) … their conversation was surely not toxic to someone not struggling with disordered eating issues. But to be honest, it felt toxic to me.
And so I just politely turned to the other half of the circle to face my good friends who were not talking about “treats” or cheating and carried on.
To be honest, it just seems unhealthy for me to listen to it right now. I realized it was better to just remove myself from (perceived by me) negativity, than to stay immersed in it.
Like when someone “gains” two pounds overnight and talks about it,I know enough about weight loss to know that it’s not fat thet gained, that weight fluctuates — and I just don’t have the patience to sit there and tell them “it’s ok, it’s not real, it’s probably sodium or water weight, etc.”
All things I might have said in the past. Hell, in the past I was that girl talking about it. I am sure I drove people crazy too, hence, my deepest apologies to anyone I knew from 2004 (when I began WW) onward.
Because really, it’s Two. Freaking. Pounds. And it’ll probably be gone tomorrow. (This is the rational Melissa speaking, who sees it as “just two pounds;” I’ve also lost sleep over two pounds in the past, “I’m not gonna lie,” to quote my sis’s fave phrase).
And you know what? It makes me deeply regret being at my goal weight three, four years ago (and more or less until about two years ago) and still moaning about my weight when I was, for me, thin …
I definitely didn’t appreciate my body then. I still wanted “more” (or less, I suppose, is the better word choice).
Sadly, I think as a society we are, collectively, obsessed with weight and body image … even those who don’t think they are victims are probably still affected in some way, it’s that entrenched in our culture.
And I think there are some situations where we can be honest and tell people the conversation makes us uncomfortable. (My close friends know about my issues and so if a conversation was upsetting me, however innocuous it was, I would speak up).
But my colleagues surely don’t know about my issues, and it’s best to keep it that way — separating personal from professional. So for now, the best I can do is just avoid the conversations; politely back off. Walk away, just not take part. Not fuel the obsessions, not fuel the discussion.
Sometimes, it really IS better to just walk away.
How about you? Does it make you uncomfortable to hear other people talking about their weight issues? Does it depend more on your state of mind, or of who is doing the talking? How do you handle situations like these?
Entry Filed under: Body Image/Body Dysmorphia, Progress, Weight Loss. Tags: disordered eating, toxic talk, walking away, work weight loss competitions.
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1.
Yasmin | March 23, 2009 at 7:12 am
It drives me CRAZY when others talk about their weight issues! I just try to change the subject or remove myself from the situation.
2.
lissa10279 | March 23, 2009 at 8:20 am
I know; I don’t think people realize just how annoying it is, but it really is. And I know because I have been on both sides. I am SURE I drove people nuts … and even though we don’t intend it, it just makes others feel inadequate, which is just awful.
3.
Jenn | March 24, 2009 at 8:41 am
For me, WW exacerbates the (binging) issue. The more focussed I am on points, food, journalling, etc, the more obsessive I become. So I am painstakingly walking away from it for now because I have identified it as a trigger for me. This decision is that much more difficult with lots of friends who are all on WW. The discussion revolves around it, the food we eat revolves around it, etc. It’s ok for them because there is not the DE associated with it.
I’m glad that you are getting to a point where you can “let it go….”
4.
stella | March 24, 2009 at 12:41 pm
The discussion on weight affects me, period, because I have not exorcised disordered eating completely from my mind and life. As background, I will share that I was battling anorexia for two straight years during my freshman and sophomore years in college. Fast forward some six, seven years, and though I’m at a healthy weight (the weight I believe God intends me to be in that I am still my naturally thin-built self but I’m HEALTHY and fertile as a woman) now and I no longer starve myself, I carry within me disordered thinking in eating. And that disordered thinking about food manifests itself in my daily life when I skip meals, resort to secret calorie estimating, and aim to lose ten pounds when I know such a weight reduction isn’t healthy for my body, my mind and my spirit. So when other women discuss their weight issues/diet plans, I can’t help but listen. I listen if I’m privy to their conversation but I rarely ever discuss my issues with weight because it’s deeply personal. Furthermore, I find that I may be that friend you mentioned in this blog who had a gripe about her weight when she’s the thin one — not because I openly talk about my issues with weight but because I am naturally thin but I struggle with wanting to be thinner, and if I were to bring this up to other women who aren’t actually thin and are doing what they can to become thin, then I fear I’ll come off like a gloat when, in fact, we’re all struggling with our own body issues. In essence weight/body issues are really relative. I’m sorry I went off on a tangent when you asked a direct, understandable question. To answer again but more succinctly: I listen but rarely do I speak about weight matters, and maybe that’s part of my problem because I tend to discuss other problems in my life in an effort to find solutions, but when it comes to my disordering thinking and eating, I remain mum for the most part.
5.
lissa10279 | March 24, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Stella, thank you for your honesty and for sharing your story. I guess part of why I broached this subject here at all b/c it IS all relative … if you still don’t think you’re thin enough, it doesn’t matter what anyone tells you. Likewise it’s good to see why even though you don’t mean for it to bother/upset others who might be thin, or not … that by being so thin and wanting to be thinner, it can hurt others, too. Though you said you don’t vocalize it out loud, so that’s good. Although maybe it would help for you to talk these things out, I kinda think you never really know what is best until you experiment a bit. I think that the hardest part about food issues is that they ARE so private and unlike alcohol or drugs, which one can physically live without (though some will argue with me on that) one cannot physically live without any food. So it’s hard …
6.
stella | March 24, 2009 at 5:44 pm
You are very spot on, lissa: “if you still don’t think you’re thin enough, it doesn’t matter what anyone tells you.” I have been reading many of your blogs this entire day (happened upon it via mamaV, which I frequent), and it’s been a true blessing now knowing you have this thoughtful, honestly raw site in which we can share our stories and give our support. Thank you, first and foremost, and I mean this because I had just binged last night and I’m still trying to figure out all the reasons why I did that when I have so much to be thankful for in my life. And in the spirit of being completely honest because I sense you have not held back, I will disclose that I am trying to undo, if not punish myself for, the binge last night by fasting all day today. I have wanted to share this with my boyfriend, whom I trust immensely, but I’m ashamed and I start to thinking that it’s better not to bombard him with this when I have faith that I’ll manage through this disordered eating in private overall. Keeping this hidden from people is quite easy for me despite the fact that I’m a pretty candid person who usually vents about my frustrations and then moves on in a positive manner, and perhaps it has to do with knowing that disordered eating/body image issues and the like are so relative, so personal, so changing that it’s just better to deal with it on my own so things don’t get lost in translation. I hope I’m making sense with these words. In any case, finding your site is a silver lining to this day, the aftemath of my binge night, so thank you very much and you have another supporter, empathizer, and comrade in me. Keep doing what you do!
7.
lissa10279 | March 24, 2009 at 8:44 pm
I love MamaV, too
She’s great in person and I might be working with her on a conference panel!! Thank you, though … I do appreciate your feedback — and your honesty. Sometimes just getting to the root of the problem is all we need. It’s hard to keep it a secret forever; I’m sure your BF has noticed things even you think you’re keeping hidden. But like you, I wasn’t public about this at all and in fact my family was shocked when I “came out via blog” — they knew I had food issues, but didn’t know the extent of it … and my husband only knew because he found chewed up food in the trash and (gently) confronted me about it. Sometimes just knowing you have support helps the battle become that much more feasible. Best wishes …
8.
Susie | March 26, 2009 at 8:41 pm
This post really spoke to me. I could have written it. Thank you for being honest. I have recently realized that WW is not really helping me and have taken a break from it all. It’s too much talk over something I have a huge issue with.
9.
lissa10279 | March 26, 2009 at 9:34 pm
Thanks, Susie!! Glad to hear you’ve taken a little break. I stopped posting on the boards a couple months back - -which made me sad b/c I love my group, the Weekend Sabatogers–but I know we can be friends even without it.
10.
Susie | March 26, 2009 at 10:28 pm
I know the feeling. I just today saw a few posts asking where I was and it’s so hard for me not to go back on. I do a little bit but I don’t want to feel like I’m being rude if I don’t go regularly so I’m trying to end it. It’s just not helping me. it creates pressure. I am highly motivated on my own to eat healthy. That’s never been an issue. The guilt and pressure I feel from being on contact with so many people trying to lose weight is just confusing for me and makes the situation worse. I have made some great friends who I still speak with and some that I am friends with IRL. I’m thankful for them, but they also know my particular situation now so I don’t have to explain to them what is going on and don’t get pressure or guilt from them.
It’s hard but I think it’s for the best at least for now. I thought I was better but I realized that I had just gotten back into the restrictive world and was swaying from binge to restriction and back to binge.. there were only short periods where I felt like I had my head on straight!
I just realized this has become a big story about me. Sorry! I really enjoy reading your blog!
11.
lissa10279 | March 27, 2009 at 7:49 am
I know what you mean, but sometimes we have to do what’s best for us, and if staying away works … we need to do it. It can be a competitive enviroment at times (though with my group it wasn’t). Thanks for reading, and share anytime