Hanging Head in Shame …
October 14, 2008
It was destined to happen.
I’ve always had my midnight incidents, but I’ve never called them a real “binge” because I had never been truly out of control. I always weighed and measured, and never went beyond 5 pts.
But last night at 2 a.m., after going to bed happy and tired at 12:30 when my husband got home from class and we’d chatted, I woke suddenly at 2:22 a.m. and the monster hit. No clue why. I’d had a good day, a happy day (despite hearing that a family member — a second cousin — had passed away).
I am mortified to share this damage with you, but I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t share my stumbles as well as my successes.
After a 23 pt day with moderate exercise (a walk and then 2 activity points (APs) of cardio at the gym) I ate pretty much anything I hadn’t had that day and had thought about — all at once!
This is what I consumed, alone at 2:22 a.m. with no rhyme or reason. 
1 piece of chocolate a friend gave me (so good) (1)
1/2 T PB/FF Reddi Whip (2)
1.5 servings ff/sf pudding (2)
3/4 c Kashi heart-to heart cereal (2)
bites of apple sauce/ice cream (3)
1/2 cookie (2)
ALL sweets, all carbs. ALL AT ONCE. What was I thinking?!
My points reset today … embarassed as I am, I’m moving on. I just went back and counted APs for the week and I still would have had 3 APs to spare, so technically I didn’t go “over” or even off program, but I’ve been trying NOT to eat APs. I don’t lose when I eat them. It was basically a “maintenance” week points-wise … scale-wise, no clue.
My period comes next week, and I don’t know if this was related or not … I’ve never had an all-out binge.
And there’s a plus: I’m still 28 days chew-and-spit free … Gotta find the positive.
Entry Filed under: Binge Eating, midnight eating. Tags: binge, humiliation, midnight eating.
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1.
kristen | October 14, 2008 at 9:33 am
Don’t be so hard on yourself, you’re still within your “allowed” points, even if you don’t usually use your APs. Remember what Dr. G said about guilt…your body craved something sweet, you ate some sweet foods, and still didn’t technically go over your points.
It could have been a whole lot worse. Most people don’t count servings or points when they binge! Not to mention you’re still 28 days chew-and-spit free, which is HUGE!
2.
Soly | October 14, 2008 at 9:44 am
Your victory lies in being 28 Days chew/spit free. Don’t cheat yourself of this huge accomplishment.
It doesn’t matter whether you make it one more day, or another 28 without a chew/spit incident. The victory and success lies with your ability to make progress and come this far.
I know this is hard for you because you have never experienced all out binges, but please try and keep things in perspective. Press on, because you can continue to be successful!
3.
lissa10279 | October 14, 2008 at 9:46 am
Thanks Kristen, I’ve just been trying not to eat APs so in that sense it feels like a flop. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty … ugh! And I know, the positive is the 28 days chew-spit free.
Thanks Soly … I know — I just needed a pity party
It was just scary … I’ve never let go like that and 12 pts sure would have been better spent at a restaurant with my hubby or friends, on a slice of cheesecake ya know? I need to reframe it that way. That I’d rather spend pts in public than in private. I think that could be tomorrow’s topic … all too often I’m “good” in public and shameful in private. There’s a balance to be had … I’ve just not yet found it.
Thank you for the encouragement though, ladies — it means a lot.
4.
nikita | October 14, 2008 at 10:16 am
Dont feel that bad
I would be happy if i could only eat this when i wake up at night lol…
One thing you wrote made me think though, and its gonna be your subject of tomorrow, so i’ll wait before commenting
5.
lissa10279 | October 14, 2008 at 10:20 am
Thanks, Nikita … I guess there’s comfort in that — I only eat this way at 2 a.m. — but all the more disturbing, if you ask me!! I welcome your comments — no need to wait
It could help get tomorrow’s convo going.
6.
Diana | October 14, 2008 at 10:21 am
I’m glad you’re moving on, but please don’t feel embarrassed. I think most of us do this on occasion. It’s not something to be proud of, but on the other hand, we’re all human and we screw up sometimes.
The fact that you’ve gone 28 days without a chew and spit incident is monumental. Even if you had a binge of sorts, at least you ate the food. I think that’s a huge step for you. And my dear, I could put you to shame in the binge department. You actually didn’t do that bad. I know for you and your perfectionist nature, this was horrible, but really, it wasn’t that horrible. I had a 51-Point binge about two weeks ago (after a 23 Point day)…now that was horrible!
I love your blog and look forward to reading it every day. I’m sorry you had a binge but happy to hear you’re a.) human and b.) you’re really handling it well. You give me hope.
7.
Elizabeth | October 14, 2008 at 10:33 am
You are an encouragement to all of your readers–for your honesty, your humanity, and your commitment to your health. Thanks for your sharing!!
8.
lissa10279 | October 14, 2008 at 11:08 am
LOL Diana — everyone seems to be saying that they could put me to shame — but it just feels bad … can’t help it! Thank you, though. Misery loves company
Thank you for reading and really enjoying it! I’m so happy to have this support network, you’re all so amazing!
Thanks, Elzabeth. I’m human and therefore fallible… sometimes it just feels harder than others to accept it.
9.
emily | October 14, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Ugh. I know the pain!
You’re doing awesome, though. Don’t expect perfection from yourself. You’re a work in progress, and are great just how you are.
10.
auntie | October 14, 2008 at 12:48 pm
I’m so proud of you for being able to “confess” this to the unknown world - that takes a lot of guts, sister!
One thing in particular came to mind as I read this post…right off the bat, your first line was “It was destined to happen.” I’m thinking self-fulfilling prophecy here, especially in the use of the word “destined”, as in “predetermined to be or do something” (that’s straight from the ol’ dictionary). If those are the words that pop into your head when you think about these incidents, then it’s time to choose new words.
What are you REALLY destined to be? It amazes me how powerful our self-talk can be, and that changing just one word can make all the difference in the world.
Be strong!
11.
lissa10279 | October 14, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Thanks, Elizabeth and Emily! It’s not so much as expecting perfection as it is not blundering so badly … but in retrospect, it could have been a lot worse.
Thanks, Auntie — good point. “Destined” in the sense that I’d never really “binged” and it was “about time,” and no I don’t want them to be predetermined…so I need a new reframing mechanism. Thank gosh for therapy Thursday!
I am destined to be a fit, healthy person. Thank you for helping me see that
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