Paradigm Shift: Testing Myself Around Food
October 10, 2008
MMMM Ethel's Chocolates!
If you have, you can join my disordered eating club. I’m guilty of this all the time. I’m constantly testing myself around food.
It started back in college, innocently enough: ordering something I really, really wanted but “knew I shouldn’t have” and “shrouding” it with a napkin when I was half-way through, something my dear college friends and I started doing in the dining hall and then, later, out in the real world.
But many years later, things got worse.
Buying reduced fat Edy’s Loaded cookie dough ice cream, knowing full-well I’m going to pick out all the cookie dough bites at 2 a.m.
Picking up a bag of cheddar Chex mix or candy corn at Walgreen’s when I go in to refill a prescription, knowing full-well both are triggers for me.
Or, though I haven’t done it in 24 days now … buying chocolate I know full well I will chew and spit. (But again, I’m 24 days “clean”)
I know myself “full well,” as you probably all do. You know your triggers in life and with relation to food. You know what makes you tick.
And over the years, I’ve learned I am a glutton for punishment, and seem to get a “high” from the purchases, even though I know that it will not last, especially if guilt ensues.
(Yes, I do this with clothing too — and often have buyer’s remorse!)
One thing Dr. G. wants me to get rid of, change my paradigm about, is the notion of “guilt.”
Unless I’ve wronged someone, or done harm unto myself … there is (in her words) no legitimate reason to feel guilt.
Eating a cookie shouldn’t breed feelings of guilt.
Skipping a workout shouldn’t make me feel bad about myself.
So taking those words to heart, I decided to go along with this mental paradigm shift and take action.
How? Well, I bought two previous “triggers” when in Chicago. One was a small box of four Ethel’s chocolate truffles (one point a piece). I LOVE Ethel’s chocolate.; it’s my favorite chocolatier in the U.S.
The other was a big Ghiradelli toffee/chocolate chip cookie (I also bought one for a dear friend who was also fasting for the holiday).
The last time I was in Chicago a couple months ago, I’m ashamed to admit I bought these very same things … and chewed-and-spit them both.
But not this time. This time, they’ll be savored slowly.
I always admired my best friend in college, A., who could literally make a pack of M&Ms last five days. She’d have a nibble here, a nibble there … she enjoyed M&Ms, but never over-indulged on them. I’d see the same single-serve bag on her desk for days and simply not get how this was possible!
Me, ha! If I bought chocolate, it was gone just about immediately. And this was long before the disordered stuff began!
I’d like to be like that; someone who can co-exist with food, and make it last. Savor it.
So those “triggers” and now going to be seen as “treats.” And better than wasting points on silly Chex mix or animal crackers, I will savor this $4.00 cookie and $8.00 box of (4) chocolates over the next few weeks.
I don’t personally think it’s a bad thing to test myself. I liken it to money. I can walk around with a $100 bill in my wallet — the question is, will I spend it?
Some days, the answer would be yes. And some days maybe I’d feel a little remorse for spending the whole $100. But if it’s $100 well-spent on, say, new tall boots … more power to me!
In the end, guilt can’t be a part of my daily existence. It’s not going to happen overnight, but I am going to do my darndest!
This weekend, I’ll be savoring some delicious truffles … guilt-free.
How about you? Do you ever test yourself, or do you ban triggers entirely? Or has banning them backfired for you in the past?
Entry Filed under: Cognitive Therapy, Food. Tags: glutton for punishment, guilt, self-taunt, testing myself around food.
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1.
Holly | October 10, 2008 at 8:00 am
YES! I have done this so many times. I just have little to no self control around my “trigger” foods, which for me is basically anything sweet. After a time had gone by in which I hadn’t binged and had been eating well, I would always try to get that package of cookies, that box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, or that container of Edy’s ice cream.
Unfortunately, I’m just not at the point where I can keep those things in my house and not binge on them. I’m hoping to be one day. I think it’s just like anything; if you do it once, it’s easier to have self control the next time, and the time after that.
I am jealous of your friend from college, too. I could even put away a 2 lb. bag of M&M’s in 5 days!
2.
Faye | October 10, 2008 at 8:41 am
And I thought I was the only one who picked through ice cream for all the good stuff! I cannot have any food items with “chunks” or “clusters” without picking them out and throwing out the rest. I try not to buy foods with them but I like them so much!
3.
kristen | October 10, 2008 at 9:13 am
I do this too. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Most of the time it ends in guilt though. I’m trying to tackle the same issues your Dr. G mentions and eliminate the guilt altogether.
Living with my boyfriend helps. If there’s a package of cookies or ice cream in the house, it lasts a lot longer than if I lived on my own. The bf doesn’t have a sweet tooth so he doesn’t “need” to eat 5 or 6 cookies to satisfy his craving. The same goes for ice cream, he can have a bowl every other night or two or three times a week.
This helps me be more aware of my eating habits. If the cookies are gone after two days, I obviously ate 3/4 of the package. The container of ice cream is gone the day after we bought it? Kristen must have had a binge. I just try to pretend it’s not there. Having yummy foods in the house that now last longer and don’t result in guilt is a nice thing!
4.
Krystyna | October 10, 2008 at 11:44 am
I too have tested myself…but it always seems to lead to a binge. I feel like I can’t have that food around for some reason. Like yesterday–I had a horrible craving for chocolate and felt like I needed it (honestly, it’s not like i would have died without it!!-but it didn’t feel like that!) so I went to the grocery store and bought a huge brownie and a box of smart ones dessert. Well I got home and was just going to have the brownie and save the others for later. Soon there I was digging in the freezer eating BOTH of the SO in the box. It was like this “bad” food had to be gone…it was going to talk to me and taunt me if it sat in the freezer for awhile. In reality this food isn’t “bad”—obviously I shouldn’t be eating it every day but its ok to have! I think I’m going to bring this up tonight with Dr. D…it’s been 2 1/2 weeks since I saw her last!
As always–love the blog! Feel like I’m reading my own sometimes!
5.
nikita | October 10, 2008 at 2:29 pm
haha same here
i can’t keep trigger food at home, i need to get rid of them. So whenever i feel like eating a brownie or an ice cream, i go buy ONE of what i want at the dep or the store and that’s it. It might be more expensive that way, but at least, i know i wont binge because i only have one.
But i must admit that sometimes, i still buy a whole pack wishing that i will only eat one or two… but i always end up finishing the whole thing over night if i didnt eat it during the day. I even tried to hide the food, but strangely, half awake, i still find them…
6.
Sheena | October 10, 2008 at 3:49 pm
This happened to me last night. I was making frosting and cupcakes for my boyfriend — cream cheese frosting (my fave) and chocolate cupcakes with a cheesecake filling (I usually avoid cheesecake b.c. I can’t control myself).
I made the frosting, only licking the beaters, and put it in the fridge. Then I made teh cupcakes, but had some of teh cheesecake batter left over. I was going to only at a spoonful but that turned into the last three spoonfuls in the bowl. Then that turned into the icing, probably two good servings until I threw the icing I had just made from scratch into teh trash. I felt horrible and still do. So now my boyfriend will get chocolate cheesecake cupcakes with no frosting.
And I can’t help but hate myself for that.
7.
lissa10279 | October 10, 2008 at 11:16 pm
Thanks everyone for sharing your stories … it’s good to know I am not alone!!! And I can’t even begin to tell you how many triggers have ended up in the trash — not to mention the chew-spits.
25 days sober now?! I have lost count. I haven’t done it in so long!!!
8.
Helen | February 17, 2009 at 5:33 am
O my goodness I am not alone! I thought I had come up with chew n spit……its sooo good to hear there are like minded people - thank you for making the effort to put pen to paper so to speak.
I am a recovering alcoholic, but am still aware of a problem surrounding food (I think its a control issue, like at least there is one aspect of my life that I have a degree of control over…)
I am working on it, and am really searching for an answer….I want to be FREE sooo much, to eat what i want like other people but not get fatter, I am trying to come to terms with my body shape as it is now rather than being obsessed with food and attempting yet another diet that will fail! (I am an english size large/18), I seem to be pre occupied with my belly or rather the size of it, I am trying to make friends with my body by looking at myself in the mirror and saying “i accept my body, i accept my belly, i accept my love handles” etc etc ….the one thing that i have realised is what a wonderful body i have! it has taken YEARS of abuse, by drink, bulimia, a sedentery lifestyle and still its there for me….and all i can do is moan moan moan about a pot belly!
The alcohol although difficult in the early stages to stop, is different to a food addiction, as its all or nothing where as food well you cant not eat every day….
All of this is do to with my lack of self esteem….MY lack of self esteem not what others have done to my or treated me in the past, because I allowed them to treat me that way, and I allowed myself to get upset….(even though i am writing this and know it makes sense i still find it difficult not to blame others who had more self worth about them ….hay ho onwards and upwards)
I am listening to Paul McKenna and his confidence tapes, and also “I can make you thin” that guy is sooo clever, I hope it works I have a feeling that it will
BUT, I know that habits can be good for us, and I will try to get into “good” ones (I have stopped the bulimia by the way!!!! yeahh….) but whether I will one day be “free” to eat what i want without guilt I dont know, I suspect that I may learn to control it to a degree where I am more comfortable with it…..hey that would do 
Take care friends……
Best wishes Helen from England
9.
lissa10279 | February 17, 2009 at 10:50 am
Hi Helen and thank you so much for commenting. I commend you on your progress so far!!! Best wishes to you!!