Internal Battle: Me vs. Me
August 26, 2008
Image credit: http://english.pravda.ru
On the one hand, I want to be “free” from the chains of dieting, which I talked about yesterday, being tenet “numero uno” of Intuitive Eating.
I know that this will be the next step toward overcoming my disordered eating habits, which have really been dwindled down in the past two months to the occasional midnight snack and the now-more-frequent chewing-and-spitting incidents.
But on the other hand, I feel like my life is in this state of limbo right now, and since I don’t have the freedom at home to prep-cook and plan and since a lot of meals are uncertain, the only thing keeping my sanity seems to be counting Points and my daily workouts.
And then making matters worse, my lovely monthly visitor arrives today, wreaking havoc on my emotions. I don’t like the person I become for two to three days each month. And now, my behavior matters even more, as I have an audience (our visitors).
I’ve been told that perhaps I am focusing too much on “me” during this time and I ought to direct my emotions toward my husband and giving him the ability to enjoy his visit with his family.
Perhaps I have been too selfish. People who know me well know I wear my heart on my sleeve; that I am a giver, generous, thoughtful … But this person I stare at in the mirror lately is full of rage, loathing, distaste…she’s ugly.
This isn’t how I want to be.
So for today, I’d like to not fight myself. I don’t want to be selfish. I don’t want to dislike the “me” I am at the moment.
And if I can’t handle breaking 100% from the dieting mentality right now, so be it. I’d rather count Points and keep up my workouts and maintain my sanity then go off the deep end because I can’t handle all the changes at once.
I’m going to give myself credit for what I am doing right now: continuing my exercise regimen, continuing to eat healthy, and not letting an uncomfortable situation turn me into a binge monster.
(OK truth be told I’ve never really had an all-out “binge” the way everyone else defines a binge, but I have snacked mindlessly all the while counting Points … and to me that out-of-control feeling of eating food I don’t need qualifies as a binge).
Bottom line: I do know that Intuitive Eating and Core are where I want to be…and I’ll get there. It might just be at my own pace.
How about you? How do you handle internal battles? What can you give yourself credit for today?
Entry Filed under: Anxiety, Emotional Eating, intuitive eating. Tags: chewing and spitting, disordered eating, internal battle, intuitive eating, ms vs me.
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1.
Dan | August 26, 2008 at 12:56 am
I think intuitive eating can be really really tough. It is hard not to all out eat when you give yourself permission and you feel like shit. Its natural to want to curb it somehow. Just keep trying!! I give myself credit for not eating any processed food today!!!
2.
Dan | August 26, 2008 at 1:01 am
I didn’t realise you had only just started. Well I just want to say that the first period is always the hardest because your freaking out at giving yourself what you want. I must say that the idea is to build trust in yourself that you can have whatever you want. I think the problem with sticking to points is your still not giving yourself that trust. It takes time and it is very very scary but you do work your way through it and stop eating all the time.
3.
Staci | August 26, 2008 at 1:33 am
First, you are anything but ugly. You are REAL and that is NOT a bad thing.
I’ve had so many internal battles, the most over the past two years. I’ve really learned to just be patient and know that I can let go of all of it. My faith has grown so much stronger so I’m blessed and thankful to know I don’t have to fight the battle on my own.
Today i give myself credit for not blowing up when I could have and for taking a nice, long bike ride that made me feel less guilty about some of the silly choices I made today!
4.
lissa10279 | August 26, 2008 at 9:13 am
Thanks for the advice, Dan!! I am only just beginning the process; I just read the book and while I practiced a lot of the tenets without knowing I was doing it, the one thing I’ve yet to let go of is journaling and trusting myself. Good job on your “give credit”!
Thank you, Staci…I do feel ugly; it’s hard to feel good when you’re showing only the most negative side of yourself and it’s unbecoming and I know it. I don’t want to be this way.
I am glad you’ve been able to come to terms with your internal battles through faith…that is a huge step.
Glad you enjoyed your long bike ride–I had a good one last night myself!
5.
Amanda | August 26, 2008 at 9:57 am
This stattement, “But on the other hand, I feel like my life is in this state of limbo right now, and since I don’t have the freedom at home to prep-cook and plan and since a lot of meals are uncertain, the only thing keeping my sanity seems to be counting Points and my daily workouts” hits the nail on the head. When we turn to dieting, its a way for us to get control in life. It’s a welcome distraction to all the factors in our life that are bothering us. If you tackle you feelings about life issues that are bothering you (family, etc), then your dieting needs will go away… At least this is what my therapist tells me. I’m still working on my own life too
6.
lissa10279 | August 26, 2008 at 10:16 am
Hi Amanda–the thing is, I’m not “turning to dieting”–I’ve never left it since starting WW…!!! And I’m afraid to leave it now under these circumstances. But you’re right, I do need to deal with the issues at hand…and that’s my focus for today.
I wrote my MIL a nice little Post-It wishing her a nice day today, which is a little step of graciousness. Good luck in your journey as well!
7.
nostarvingartist | August 26, 2008 at 11:30 am
I have that same kind of battle going on..where I have to be supportive but I want to feel sad for myself and my issues.
I am not handling it by eating, or smoking. I’m blogging and reaching out to friends who will show support and listen. I will not isolate and be “alone”…that’s the first thing I want to do. And the road to hell is paved with carbohydrates.
8.
nikita | August 26, 2008 at 1:14 pm
Don’t feel selfish…
You’re not and you’re blaming yourself for nothing. You have the right to feel out of your comfort zone. A real selfish person wouldn’t feel bad of thinking this way, you do, so you’re not selfish
Try to put everything aside for a while. Eat healthfully, exercise, and more important, don’t stress over anything. Stress is always a trigger for binges, so keep it cool, enjoy your time and every day… and tomorrow is not the end, you still have a LOT of time in front of you for achieving your goals, whatever they are.
I wish i could listen to myself too
9.
CDlover | August 26, 2008 at 2:00 pm
I agree…seeing that you are feeling guilt shows that you aren’t truly selfish. I know a lot of people who would handle your current situation less gracefully (probably myself included).
Usually whenever I have something I’m bummed about or something that is causing me anxiety, a lot of times I don’t tell people in my life and this is my “excuse” for either restricting or binge eating. It’s kind of a vicious cycle, because once I’ve started, it’s very hard to get back on track.
Today I’m giving myself credit for being mindful of when I’m eating and how much. For example, usually I have breakfast right when I get to work…but today I wasn’t hungry then, so I waited and had it when I was ready. A baby step, but a step nonetheless!
10.
lissa10279 | August 26, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Exactly, NoStarvingArtist… isolating myself isn’t the solution and I LOVE this quote, “And the road to hell is paved with carbohydrates.” (but I’d add in “simple” b/c complex carbs are good for us
Thanks Nikita but I’ve not been a good DIL or wife lately…and it shows. But I guess it’s good I do feel selfish b/c it shows I do feel it.
Way to go, CDLover for giving yourself credit for being mindful of your food! Wahoo! Baby steps
Ha-I wear my heart on my sleeve…so it’s hard for me to hide distaste or sadness or anger or, of course, joy, pleasure, elatedness.
11.
Krystyna | August 26, 2008 at 11:20 pm
Giving myself credit is sometimes really hard…and it shouldn’t be! I feel like by giving myself credit I’m being selfish–and like you–I wear my heart on my sleeve. But this post is definitely a wake-up call to giving myself credit…SO! Today I give myself credit for getting up before class to run and get in a workout even if I didn’t want to. And I also stuck to my points even when I felt the urge to sit and mindlessly shove my face.
Whew…I feel better already
12.
lissa10279 | August 27, 2008 at 2:30 pm
It is so hard to do, and does sometimes feel selfish, but we’re worth it, aren’t we Krystyna!? You go girl!!
:)