Tales of a (Recovering) Disordered Eater

Image credit: dyestat.com

Since I had therapy last night, and since we’ve taken a hiatus from my food issues to help me cope with the current situation, I thought I’d give a little update on how I’m doing mentally/physically/emotionally as we enter the “home stretch.”

Even though we have not been talking much about my disordered eating, I’ve noticed a couple positive things that have happened the past four weeks in that department, in spite of great personal angst — or perhaps because of it?

I’ve taken a much more relaxed approach to the gym and it’s made me a saner person — quite the opposite of what I anticipated.

I’ve put my own needs above anything else (in a non-selfish way; just not eating something to be polite; simply because my mother-in-law made it knowing my husband likes it doesn’t mean I need to eat it if I don’t like it or it’s not budgeted into my day; I can do this without appearing rude or ungrateful).

And I’ve managed to eat less; I am eating very few activity points these days, which is a huge feat for me.

Sadly, I am still doing a lot of chewing-and-spitting, but the way I see it, if that’s my cross to bear at this juncture, so be it. I will tackle it in due time.

But all in all, I feel like even throughout this pretty difficult time, I’ve managed to make do.

I have just eight full remaining days of our guests, and frankly, I’d like to make the most of it. I’m sick of being angry, resentful, anxious, or upset. In the grand scheme of things, it’s five weeks. Sure, it feels like an eternity now, but in comparison to the magnitude of 9/11 or the death of my dear friend Jason … this is nothing.

I had a total breakthrough last night that helped me reframe my situation and literally took the anxiety off my shoulders and woke me out of my four-week funk.

(OK, full disclosure because I’m Honest Abe over here–it’s been more like a seven-week funk; it began three weeks prior to their visit … pretty much when we found out but morseo how we found out).

But I digress.

As Dr. G. says, “Our thoughts precede our emotions which result in our behavior.” By changing the way I think about something (in this case, the “adverse situation at home”) and reframing it, I change my emotions (I am less stressed/angry/anxious) and therefore my behaviors will change as well.

This is the opposite of what I had been doing, which she called “cognitive overrides.” That’ s when you feel something bad, uncomfortable, etc., but you know it’s rude or socially inacceptable to feel that way and your brain does a “cognitive override” to get past it, putting those emotions aside and focusing on doing the “right thing” or the socially acceptable thing.

Cognitive overrides, as she explained them, cost a lot of energy. And I’ve been spending a lot of energy on them, because it was, as she said, the only way for me to cope with “the invasion”: to be pleasant and cordial, even though inside I was crumbling.

But once I hit that breakthrough in terms of reframing the situation last night, it was seriously like a lightbulb went off in my brain, triggering me to realize that I want to be done with the cognitive overrides; I’m ready to get better and actually deal with what’s in front of me and make it bearable because lord knows this isn’t the most uncomfortable situation I’ll ever be in.

And I think that my ability to “get it”– to finally understand reframing — is going to help me enormously as I translate it to other aspects of my life. Now that I know what that lightbulb feels like, I hope to keep an eye out for it in my subconscious going forward.

I’m sure we’ll walk through many similar exercises when we go back to my food issues once my inlaws leave, but for now, coping with this situation has actually, in some respects, helped me in my healing process.

To quote my beloved Grandma (said in a thick Yiddish/Bronx accent …) “Who knew?!”

How about you? How has “reframing” helped you overcome a challenge? (food/body related or not?)