Unexpected Agony
June 20, 2008
Unfortunately, the love-fest with my body didn’t last.
My boyfriend at the time (now-husband) was overseas so he missed my entire transformation and saw me at 150, which was a shock, and then three months later at goal at 140, and he couldn’t believe what he saw. I was a new “me.” The ten-pound difference between the two weights was startling. For my build, I wasn’t just thin…I was downright skinny compared to my former self.
And with this new “me” came some things I didn’t anticipate, and didn’t read about or even understand till I was experiencing it and in too deep. (Cue: scary “disordered eating” music, if such music exists).
Yes, I was at goal, but 140 didn’t feel “good enough” to me. I wanted 135. I wanted to be trimmer, leaner, fitter. I wasn’t starving myself and I wasn’t going crazy at the gym, but then something in my brain snapped.
Suddenly food and exercise became my everything. I would qualify food as good or bad, and eat something “bad” and then hit the gym to “make up for it” or punish myself, ravaged by feelings of guilt, like this body was on loan and if I didn’t exercise one day or didn’t eat well, I’d get fat overnight.
I’d feel victorious for skipping dessert or a shared appetizer, and empowered when I could fit in an extra workout. I’d watch others eat, knowing that their one meal would have been all my points for the day. And on vacation, I’d get up and run before everyone else was up, feeling virtuous.
Sometimes, I’d skip social functions if there would be too many temptations, or if I had a Spinning class or Body Pump session lined up. In my head, it all made perfect sense. But in reality, looking back, I see these behaviors were really the start of disordered eating, a vicious cycle that I now know can lead to clinical eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia.
My world was about to turn upside down…
My Blog
My story doesn’t end here of course, but rather is a living, breathing journey. However, this background is critical to understanding how I got to where I am.
I decided to create a blog to help guide me through my own struggles with disordered eating. In the first few posts, I will pick up where I left off in this section, sharing my confusing descent into the underworld that is disordered eating: a shameful world many know and few discuss.
My story will continue here on my blog, and I hope to make positive strides and help other women struggling with similar demons to do the same.
Stay tuned!
Entry Filed under: Body Image/Body Dysmorphia, Exercise Addiction, Weight Loss. Tags: body dysmporphia, Exercise Addiction.
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1.
Someone Who Unnerstands | July 11, 2008 at 1:55 pm
EVACTLY!!
OMG!!!
*Pacing the room clapping and pointing to the monitor..*
SOMEONE ELSE LIKE ME!!
AWESOME!!!
“I would qualify food as good or bad, and eat something ‘bad’ and then hit the gym to’“make up for it’ or punish myself, ravaged by feelings of guilt, like this body was on loan and if I didn’t exercise one day or didn’t eat well, I’d get fat overnight.”
Especially true for me ATM..
2.
lissa10279 | July 11, 2008 at 2:08 pm
LOL, thanks!! It is both comforting and disconcerting to see/hear so many women relating to this topic…thank you!
3.
Breanne | July 20, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Your courage and determination is inspiring.
4.
lissa10279 | July 21, 2008 at 8:15 am
Thank you, Breanne.
5.
grasshopper | July 22, 2008 at 5:19 pm
Wow, when I read this passage:
“Suddenly food and exercise became my everything. I would qualify food as good or bad, and eat something “bad” and then hit the gym to “make up for it” or punish myself, ravaged by feelings of guilt, like this body was on loan and if I didn’t exercise one day or didn’t eat well, I’d get fat overnight.”
My jaw dropped open. It was as if you were writing from my own head. I have kept off 40 lbs (WW too) for 3 years and despite this, I still feel like all that weight loss could be dissapear though a bad meal. bad week or a missed run.
I admire you for putting this all out there, I don’t know if I would have the courage. Bravo!
6.
lissa10279 | July 22, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Hi Grasshopper, thank you… and congrats to you, too!!! It really is a sickness, and one I wish the medical community addressed more readily.
7.
tara | July 28, 2008 at 11:49 pm
I think I teeter on the edge of this … maybe some days I am really truly there — in a disordered relationship — I think I get obsessed too easily and once obsessed it is hard to back off. I am losing baby weight right now … and have reached my healthy pre baby goal weight but now am playing head games about losing more … which you’ve just pointed out is a trap.
8.
lissa10279 | July 29, 2008 at 8:19 am
Oh it most certainly is a trap, Tara. I felt so POWERFUL, so COCKY…it just wasn’t meant to last. And in a way, I’m glad it didn’t. I wasn’t myself then. And while I weigh a little more now, and still want to lose, I don’t ever want that cocky feeling back–it was too fragile.
Congrats on losing your baby weight! I
9.
jenngirl | October 24, 2008 at 5:47 pm
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I know exactly where you’ve been. I used calorie-counting rather than WW, but the feelings and thoughts were all the same. Congratulations on turning things around!
10.
lissa10279 | October 25, 2008 at 8:59 am
Thanks for writing, Jenny, and for the kudos!
11.
seeleelive | October 28, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Wow, thank you so much for sharing all this. It’s awesome!!
12.
Dori | February 19, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Thank you so much for sharing this. I had never read these sections of your blog before. Your story clearly resonates with so many people and you put it all into words perfectly. I really feel like you, and others like you, can understand how I think and feel. It is nice to know I am not alone and at the same time nice to have people out there who want to improve and just be healthy and happy in a “normal” way — without any disordered behaviors.
13.
lissa10279 | February 19, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Thanks, Dori … I am glad you found them. I’m kind of wondering who else is a loyal reader and has missed the beginning story!! You are DEF not alone, and we will get there …